I was walking home from work
when, all of the sudden their burst upon the sidewalk in front of me a giant
five point star that looked like cement but it gleamed. Most days, and most hours of most days, I am
cleaning tables of poorly eaten food, gathering slimed dishes, and scrubbing
down knives and forks in the back room where people cannot see and think there
is a dish washing machine. I put soap on
my daily circumference when I cannot get the dirt and saliva off with the
buckets of reused water and annoying hand again hand again towels. I can’t refuse if it is refused water.
As if it wasn’t enough for me,
today, cleaning all that dog food and rat trap lures from those people that ate
at the restaurant that hates dishware, and now I have an outdoor attack which
means I have to act like I am saving other people, which is the opposite of
what my workplace owner wants us to do over eight hours each day that we get
paid our minimum wages for.
Once again, and I sure am sick of
it, I need to tell myself that since I have super powers, I have super
responsibilities. I go right ahead and
toss a bunch of kids off the sidewalk in front of me. Then I look around and push over some cars
streaming down the roadway to my side. A
house here and a house there I push until they crumble so that intruding Celestial
Copy Cat doesn’t accomplish what it wants to do.
I started singing to myself:
Nothing
Man
Nothing
Man
Does
Whatever Those No Thinks Can
And then a group going homers
came up to me and thanked me for acting like I saved their lives. I heard them shout: “He is our Local
Hero!” “Local? Local!
Locust! He is an All Over
National Hero!” “Look at him! He is our World Wide Hero!” “A Weird Wide Hero?” “He
sure does look Wide from eating all those Hero Sandwiches!”
And talk about my super
responsibilities. And I don’t know how
this is even possible considering where I was just working at and what I was
doing right before I put my super human’s costume on and acted like I was saving
everyone. What they said sure made me hungry.
This became my supper responsibility.
I had to open my mouth. I yelled
at them: “Remember, if you have Spider powers you have Spider Responsibilities. I am responsible to put flies on your webs
and make certain you don’t sweep those webs away!”
And all of the sudden, I got
helped. Standing as big and bloated as I
am, there was this other guy, staring into my face and trying to look like he
did something. He told me: “All these peoples’ lives sure seem Basic. Is your life Basic? Does that mean you am Anti Acid? You should know. You act like you have a
Phd. My PH must be a lot lower than
yours. And since I’m a guy, I can’t be your Aunty Acid. Call me Alki Lime. Boy, you sure bug people! So maybe You should be called Ant Acid. Coal me what I am, I am an Anthracite. This sure is becoming Anthropomorphic of me.”
And that caused me to tell
him: “Hey, remember when you told me you
were the Flash. I could tell you had a
small Flash of responsibilities. You
being responsible Flashed Away right away.
You are always so used to being Flushing. You want us all to get flushed away.”
That is when the Bloat Man said,
“You are only telling me this because I was Red and you are so new at this that
you sure feel Green. Those actions are
part of your opposite to me Green responsibilities.”
I yelled back, “You seem so new
at this that you are the one that is Green! But you also have all these Greed
responsibilities. You are Mean Greed, you are not a Greek you Freak.”
He then said, “I am not the
Bloated Man. I’m more like the
Batman. Or, at least, the Bath Math! Add It Up!
You keep on relying on me to protect you from Robbers. You seem really like the Fat Man who eats
away at all of us. Whether we are good
or bad. We must taste good to you!”
I replied, “I want people to
think I am protecting them. I’m
protecting them from you! They think you
are the one who wants to kill them. The
one who kills them with his kith and kin.
You tried to make your knife go right through my kilt and skin. Whatever happened, I now say that I am
K. Does that mean to me that you are
OK? Oh!
No Way!”
Bloat Man then warned me, “I did
not come here to fight you. It was that
thing that broke up out of the ground.
It scared all of us when it tried to scar all of us. And those scars are sure not cigars!”
I agreed, “You’re right
We’re off to flee that
Mummy
That Horrible Mummy in
Gauze
He’s a weirdo, he is, he
is
He wants to strangle us
with his claws.”
Bloat
then said, “He sure is a rock. And I
don’t like this Rock that Roles.”
I
yelled, “Rock! That is Geological or
Gee! To me this stuff is Ill Logical!
Bloat
responded, “He sure ain’t Neurologic. I
think he has some New Lodge Ick!”
I
then warned Bloat, “Be careful, so your heart don’t clog. He’ll just eat you like a lizard. You’ll be in a stomach full lizard and think
you’re on a log. And that log barks at
you like a dog. Your brain is in a
fog. Mine is in a frog.”
Bloat Man then asked, “Do you
think you are being Effervescent, cause you sure cause me to ask ‘What’s My
Pet’s Scent or What My Vet Sent or What Made My Vest Dent?’”
I got disgusted and yelled, “Can’t
you hear me? How is your acoustics? Put down that Cue Stick! Are you sick? And you just accuse me!”
Well, people, a hero is what a
hero does. And their ain’t no heroes if
there is nobody for them to be heroes around, so just sing to yourselves, this
song, inspired by ‘Seltzer Boy’ by Allan Sherman back in 1962:
Altar Boy, give me
some alters
If you don’t totally
falter
You’ll be up on Gibraltar
And You’ll Sure Be A Gnu
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