Tuesday, December 18, 2018

Elector All Collapse

19th Chapter Stellar Bus


                “Line up please.  Have your identification papers including your voter ID cards in hand.  Those without paper can go to the porcelain convenience if you are on a roll.  Keep in mind, if you have one, that you will need a separate ID card for all the seats you wish to fill.  Or is that ‘Wish to fool?’  Or maybe it was ‘the Fool on the Fill.’  And that is Land Fill because we have landed here.

                “Anyway, I am Ralph.  I am your Independent (or is that Un Presidented) driver of this group of Omnibus Diverter operators working for the United Field Hyperbolics fleet of mass transportational devices.  Yes, as the name employs, we are varying devious.  I am driving you (out of space, out of mind, your mind anyway) to the previously planned Election Selections.

                “De Peachment from reality will seem to you to occur in thirty-two thousand and six hundred and sixty sixths of a second.  We are currently abided at the Looser Station.  I realize that many of you have mistaken it for the Solar Station, or maybe that was the Lunar Station, for you Lunar Ticks.  I, quite personally, would not stay here and I may shun you myself.

                “Your Ballot will be cast or cashed into the Nebuloid Three Black Hole of Falsedonia.  I say Falsedonia because they can done to ya whatever they wants to done to ya.

                “Please keep in mind, or reap un blind, or weep on kind that if your seat is not paid for it will be filled with whatever by chance fills that seat.  And yes, if that seat is paid for it will be filled with what the payer fills his seats with, especially if he is on parole or is that on pay roll.  I must say that he uses an abundance of paper from that roll.

                “We will be loading within innoticeable micro seconds.  If you are already loaded please leave all your identification papers with the crew.  They may be crude, but, keep in mind, it is better than to be crewed over by your electoral offals.  Something smells fishy.  And they are oafs.  Yes, those are the electoral oaf fish alls.”

                Ed then says to me, “Hey there Ralphie Boy!  Get a load of this.  Are they an army or are they a bunch of athletes?”

                Ralph answers, “Waddya mean?”

                Ed, “They sound like cheer leaders to me.  ‘Go Vern!  Go Vern!  Go Vern!’”

                Ralph, “I could use with a few beer liters myself.”

                Ed, “So could I.  Ha Ha.  Alice said you were Stout enough.  Anyway, they are doubling up on jobs.  There are a bunch looking to salute their Attorney General.  An Attorney and a General.  Do you get sued if you don’t salute?”

                Ralph, “After my beer liters I’d gladly shout ‘Salud.’   And how about the passengers looking for their Lieutenant Go Verner?  Are they looking for the guy that is second in command telling those nuts to yell ‘Go Vern?’”

                After they took off, Ralph went to his home cabin.  He kissed Alice hello.  She asked how his day was.  Ralph said, “Funny thing Alice.  There was this guy who did not have a ticket.  He wanted me to give him a free ride!  He said, “If you let me on and don’t let on to anyone else that you let me on, well, since you gave me a free ride, I’ll give you a free ride.’  I figured he was a politician with all this double talk, and for once in my life I was right.”

                Alice, “What happened then Ralph?”

                Ralph, “He said ‘If you run for Insanator I’ll make certain you win.’  I told him ‘I usually run from the Insane, not for them.’  Being a politician, he made his point by saying, ‘Instead of running from the insane try running to the insane and then repeat yourself.  If you can run to the insane twice that would be to times two which is four.  You’ll see.  You can easily run four the Insanator.’  I said, ‘I wish you’d stop bugging me.’  And he went on, ‘So let’s get rid of those bugs.  I’ll give you an Insect Inside.  It’s a tick.  It’s a grate Insanitizer.  It is an Insane Attacker.’  I asked ‘What?’  He thought I said ‘Why Not!’ And he boarded the star ship.”

                Alice, “What happened then Ralph?!”

                Ralph, “I did not want to do what he asked.  All politicians seem insane to me.  I did not want to run to him and then to him again.  With this belly system I can’t run.  Besides that, I lost him.  I’m looking for him and they all look the same to me.”

                Alice, “So he got a free ride?”

                Ralph, “And I did too!  I see posters for me all over the place.  My slogan is ‘Veto For Me and I’ll Sit.  You’ll See.’”

                Trixie stuck her head into their room and said, “Ralph, I’ll Veto you.  I’d gladly Veto Four of you!”

                Ed “Ralphie Boy!  I’ll vote for you.  Over and over and over again.  Wait till you see how revoting I can get.”

                Alice looked Ralph in the eyes, smiled lovingly and said, “Ralph.  Think about it.  When you take something apart you do not construct it.  You deconstruct it.  When you make something worth less you do not value it.  You devalue it.  I could never have voted for you.  I am Devoted to you.”


Saturday, December 15, 2018

Detail in the Devils

               Lying is the work of the Devil

               What is a lie?  It is the misguiding of one or more people by what you convey to them.  Some obvious lies are the spoken word and the written word.  Words have many meanings and meanings can change over time. Is time evil?  Is it a lie to use some words?  What if you know your audience thinks that word means one thing and you use it while in your mind it has the other meaning?  Is that a lie?  What if you do not know that your audience has a different definition for that word than you do?  Is it a lie if it is not intentional?  And what if the word you use is a homonym?  Again, what if you do not think the person listening to you is using the other definition?

               What if someone speaks in a different language and another person translates what they said?  Does the translation mean the exact same thing that the original person said?  How do you know?  Are you lying?

It’s okay.
You’re going to be all right.
I love you.
You can do it.
You’re pretty smart.
You are a handsome dude!
Yes boss.
Aye aye sir!
I understand.
I’ve got it.

               Let’s say that you are watching a TV show.  When a person swears the TV station usually bleeps out the swear word.  That person who was talking did not say “BLEEP.”  He said a swear word.  That TV station is lying.  What is more evil?   To lie or to swear?  Do you swear to God?

               Fiction is an invention or fabrication as opposed to fact.  Fiction is defined as a belief or statement that is false.  An allegory is a symbol, a parable, a metaphor. That allegory is a fictional tale told to present your point.  A fiction is not the truth.  It is a lie.  Is that point you want to present the point of the horn coming out of your head?  When you are presenting your allegory tale are you also presenting your physical tail?  You devil you.  This pitch that you are making, are you using your pitchfork?

               Are you bad if you are trying to stay alive?  Is camouflage a lie?  Is the person fighting for his country wearing military coloration sinning?  And how about a chameleon?  Does changing its skin color make the chameleon evil?  Now look out that window.  Look there in that field.  You don’t see that deer because the brown and white and shading of his coat makes him look like the trees and dried grass in that field.  Isn’t that a lie?  How evil is that deer? 

               Is blowing a bird whistle evil?  Are you a bad person because you are an Ornithologist?  Or is being bad just a hobby of yours?  Are you a bird watcher?   Personally, I feel a duck call is evil if it is used so that you can shoot the duck.  Same thing with the moose call.

               Is sugar free diet rite the work of the devil?  What about mock apple pie?  That pie was not made from apples.  Its smell and taste try to tell you that it was made from apples.  That pie lied to you!  Is that dessert evil?  Is that Devil’s Food?  It’s a pie, not a cake!  Is it a sin to wear perfume?  Is it a sin to wear a girdle?  How about a toupee?

               If someone has health problems with their blood pressure and they get mad when your neighbor is around and at the moment this person is in bad shape.  For example, if you neighbor is home then this guy may have a heart attack.  Let’s say that the guy is getting mad and you lie and tell him that your neighbor is not home.  You may have saved his life.  Is that evil?  Are you doing the Devil’s work?

               Is a vaccine a lie?  Is it evil?  A vaccine makes your body’s biological defense mechanisms think that you have a disease and it gets your organs to secrete anti-bodies and such to ward off these illnesses.  At least those illnesses are being truthful.  Ask yourself if that doctor the Devil.  And what about those Orthotics.  Lying to your ankles that your feet have arches!  I just do not trust those people that wear dentures.  They are lying to the world by saying to everyone that they have teeth! Lying right through their mouths. 


The biggest liar in the world is the Devil.
Who is the Devil?

Author’s with pen names – they lied about their names – who they are:

Mark Twain
Dr. Seuss
George Orwell

Magicians using sleight of hand:

Harry Houdini
David Copperfield
Penn and Teller

Puppets, they are not people, they are not alive:

Knucklehead Smith
Jerry Mahoney
Paul Winchell

Actors, they are portraying someone else, if you are portraying you are not presenting yourself:

Tom Hanks
Johnny Depp
Leonardo DiCaprio

               You’ve heard the saying, “Uneasy lies the head that wears the crown.”  So, is the ruler of that country the Devil?  What ruler of what country is not a Devil?  Most rulers have a “Devil May Care Attitude.”  And they couldn’t care less about the citizens they rule over.  What a great ruler.  With that ruler we are the ones who foot the bill.  Give him an inch and he’ll take a mile.  And we have to put up with his smile.  Or is that he’ll take my all.  He’ll take your all too.  Forget the apostrophe.  Just say “Hell.” 

Wednesday, December 12, 2018

Mule Train or You'll Be Strained

Fred and Jim take the Mule Train out West to the Annie Ogilvie Station. 

               Freddy asks, “Who are all these people?” 

               Jim, “They are the Mules.” 

               Freddy, “What are they doing here?” 

               Jim, “They are here because they just took the Mule Train.” 

               Freddy, “Why would they do that?” 

               Jim, “They are the Mules!  Listen to me already!  They are here because they got taken.  And they are going to get taken again.  And, like us, they took the Train.  Plus, they are going to be trained.  That’s why it is called The Mule Train.” 

               Freddy, “What is going on?” 

               Jim, “We are out West.  This is the Wild West. They are here.  Just like us.  Now they are going to be rounded up into the busses.  Those Bussards really fly.  They will fly them to their last round up.  Then they will get corralled.”

               Some people sidled over.  Others saddled up.  The train whistle gave out a toot. 

               Freddy exclaimed saddledly “Smells like horse!”

               Jim said, “Give a toot, don’t pollute.”

               Freddy looked down at his feet, “That must be a horse shoe.”

               Freddy told him, “With all this horsing around you really got to watch your step.” 

               Jim went “Sniff.  Sniff.  I’ve really stepped in it now!”

               Fred agreed “I know.”

               Jim admitted and asked “I’m such a Tenderfoot.  How do you hide it?” 

               Freddy told him “I use Smoke signals.”

               Jim regretted “I’d try some used Smoke Signals butt there were no old stogies I have found.”

               Fred went on “Look at this cattle drive.  I wouldn’t want to be that Bussard Driver.   Think about what just happened with you and your horseshoe.  I would see all this stuff lying around.  I’d be afraid of getting a puncture.  I guess those would be Cow Punctures.  When the Cow Boys line those punctured cows up to be corralled that would be like putting them in a Que.  You would call that A Que Cow Puncture.  Listen.  There must be crickets around.  You can hear their Chirppy Practers.    This cattle drive is driving those cows to the cow yard.  People call me a cow yard.”

               Jim tried to change the subject, “Do you remember that old TV show, The Crisco Kidd and Panko?  Remember how they would end each show?  At the end one would call out, ‘Oh Crisco.’  The other would answer, ‘Oh Panko.’ Then they’d both say, ‘Let’s Fry.’”

               Freddy asked, “Was that Crisco and Panko or was that The Lone Wager and Taunto?  Maybe he was Taunting someone.  Or maybe he was in Toronto?  I was wrong, that was not Crisco and Panko, that was Judy and Puncho.  That Puncho really is a man about town.  About town?  He’s about the whole Village.  No, he’s not the Village Idiot.  He’s the Villa Cook.  And as your lunch gets singed I just gotta sing:

‘Don’t Fry for me Puncho Villa.

You know I’ve got an ulcer.

I’ve got an ulcer and that’s a stomach hole.

I don’t want heart burn.

Or indigestion.

I’ll take Mylanta,

or Pepto Bismol…’”

               After a few moments of silence, Jim went on, “If you have a couple hundred horses under you, you don’t want to get pulled over by the Texting Ranger.”

               Freddy asked, ”Texting Ranger, wasn’t the Lone Wager a Texting Ranger?”

               Jim then said,  “That horse he rode, it was a black and white, wasn’t it?”

               Freddy answered, “Yes it was black and white.  I think it was an Appaloosa.”

               Jim rambled,  “The Appaloosa the betta.”

               Freddy complained, “If I make my bet it is usually on a loosa.”

               Jim then consoled him,  “Well, if you wanted to be a better man.  I mean, if you’re going to bet, you’d be better off betting at the Arlington Race Track.  Or maybe at Maywood Park, or if your bet is a sporting proposition why not try Sportsman’s Park?   And if that is the only bet you place then that is your Lone Wager.”

               Freddy questioned, “I thought the Lone Wager was in Toronto?”

               Jimmy replied, “You wanna bet on that?”

               Freddy then said, “Don’t Spur me on.  That was all at the Spur of the moment.  And that Spur, well he’s bad to the bone.  A real Bone Spur.  A real Man.  He don’t get caught up in no Draft!  He’s got no kneed to enlist.  According to him, he is how the West was Won.  And if you really look at it, he is how the West got Won Over.  Each day, thanks to him, the West is being Won Over, Over and Over again.  He got Bone Spurs that naggle gaggle gargle.  As he goes fleecing merrily along.”

               Then Jim called to the bartender, “Time to get Brandied.”

               The bartender came over and said, “Well, I got noose for you.  This is the Lasso Call.”

               Freddy said, “Look over there, I think he’s got a six shooter!”

               The bartender said, “You’ve had that beat hours ago.”

Sunday, December 9, 2018

King Tut Shut Up

               Batmom answered the Batmom Phone.  It was Atta Girl, “What’s happening?” 

               Batmom, “We’ve really got problems.  It is King Tut.  He just won’t Shut Up.”

               Atta Girl, “I didn’t know that King Tut talked.”

               Batmom, “He talks.  Boy does he talk.”

               “But I’ve never heard him.”

               “That’s because you never pay attention to him.”

               “Heh heh.  That’s right.  I want the guys to pay attention to me.  Do guys even know how to talk?  I’ve never noticed.”

               “Yeah, they talk.  I don’t know what they say.  I’ve never paid attention enough to know what they say.  It just ticks me off when I am talking and they keep trying to get a word in.”

               “Did you say something?”

               “Yeah!  I was talking about how I keep talking and it ticks me off that they keep trying to say something instead of listening to me.”

               “I wasn’t listening to you.”

               But this King Tut is the real problem.  He should be paying Batmom attention one hundred percent of the time. But noooo!  He thinks about things!  He comments, or tries to comment on what Batmom says.    He tries to comment but she cuts him off before he can get a sentence finished because he should listen to her!  She should not have to listen to him!  She complains that he is all wrapped up in himself. 

               As Atta Girl said, “I can’t stand that guy anyway.  He’s like a criminal.  He is like a thief.  A robber.  Look at what he is doing right now, Batmom!  Your attention should be totally on me!  He stole it away!  Every now and then your attention is on him!

               “I can tell because when I tell you something like ‘Get me that!’  And you are not reading my mind because you do not know I meant for you to get me that book they talked about three days ago on the Women’s TV Channel.  Sure, I forgot the name of it.  I don’t think that I ever even knew the name of it, but you should have known the name of it because you should have known that I wanted it!  Or at least that I thought that I wanted it.”

               “You’re right Atta Girl, whatever you said.  I know you said something and you get mad if you realize that I don’t listen to you like you don’t listen to me.  So, I say ‘You are right Atta Girl.’  It don’t make no difference, but that is what you always want me to say.  ‘You are right Atta Girl.’  But anyway, this King Tut, like just the other day when he came home from work and he did not know that I wanted him to pick me up some roast chicken on the way home.  Why didn’t he know that?  Do I have to tell him everything?  He just doesn’t listen.  When he was at work, I was at home on the living room couch, I saw that commercial about the three pieces of chicken and the salad and I thought that would be nice to eat. He should have known and went out and got me that chicken before he came home.”

               “Hey Batmom!  I really hate that guy!  What was his name again?  I wasn’t paying attention.  I never do.  Ha ha ha.

               “Look at me!  Ain’t I pretty?  And smart too!  Pay attention!  Did you say something?  Sheesh!!!”

               Then Batmom told Atta Girl that she was right and after Batmom hung up the phone King Tut started to ask what Atta Girl wanted.   Batmom sighed and said, “King Tut.  Tut Up.  Come On.”

Thursday, December 6, 2018

Jupiter School

                I live on Jupiter, if you can call this living.  I was born here.  I was raised here.  I am thirteen years old and I don’t even know what a year is.  My teacher tells me that a year is three hundred and sixty-five days.  Three hundred and sixty-four if it is a leap year.  Now, if I don’t know what a year is how do I know what a leap year is?  And while we are at it, what is a Day?  Twenty-four hours.  What is an hour?  Don’t go on about sixty minutes!

                It all comes down to those stupid phones that we all have to carry.  They tell us the time.  They tell us the minutes.  Morning.  Evening.  Night. A few days ago, on TV I heard “Good Night Nurse!”  Only, to me it sounded like “Good Night Noise!”

                We are adrift on Jupiter on those three hundred space ships that our grand daddies rode coming out here.  They tied those ships together, welded, super glued, something.  Then they built our houses and factories along the top.  After that we were set adrift on Jupiter’s ocean.  It is all ocean and since we got here, we’ve been sucked into Jupiter’s non-ending giant storm.

                Our mommies and daddies dredge up tankers full of the sludge we are floating on.  Then they centrifuge it all, syphoning off aluminum here, ammonium there, “OOhh we caught a creature that looks like a giant jelly fish.  Fire up the electric poles.  We are about to suck up a tank full of oxygen and a few tons of carbon!”

                Day in, day out we got school.  School for what?  So, I can learn to take orders and sail out to sea?  I guess I am Popeye and you are Brutus.  We are hosing up that nitrate sludge while we dream of Olive Oil.  We are taught to hear and answer.  We are taught to act and dream.  I’ve got to do what I’m told and punch that guy next to me.  Is that all I got to look forward to?

                I’m thirteen years old and I’m in a class room learning the words to address my soon to be supervisor with.  I learn to understand, “Tote that barge.”  And “Lift that bale.”  Some of us can do this to unload the ships.  Some of us will do this to load the space cruisers.  The lucky ones will do this to unload those space cruisers.  Televisions, microwave ovens, Oscillators.  That is a heck of a lot easier than hoisting a ton of Sulphur or swabbing the hydrochloric acid off the loading vat.

                With my luck I will be in the chain gang on the barge retrieving the intake coils.  My father slipped overboard doing that.  My mother got washed away a couple years later sweeping the runner gears. 

                They teach us by rote that we have a proud heritage.  “Yes Sir.”  Our ancestry did magnificent things.  Our ancestry deserves the greatest honors.  Our ancestry deserves our dedication.  “Yes Sir.”  “Yes Sir.”  “Yes Sir.” “…”  Our ancestry deserves our shipments of diamonds, platinum, and most preciously breathable oxygen.  “Honor your ancestors for sending you here to honor them.”  “Yes Sir.”

                Since I am just going to slip overboard why did they ever waste the time and effort to show me that picture of that blue marble?  That photo from space of Earth?  That is where they say our ancestors came from.  Who can care about ancestors if your life ends like this?   

Monday, December 3, 2018

Laugh Fit Off

               Do you remember the silent movies?  What did you hear most in those theaters?  Laughter.  Do you remember the old-time radio shows?  Jack Benny, Fibber McGee and Molly, Abbot and Costello?  What did you hear in your living room as your family was listening to the radio?  Laughter. 

               What do you hear coming out from most movie theaters these days?  Warnings that you don’t want to go in there.  You’ll be bored to death.  What do you hear when you are driving your car and listening to the radio these days?  Some stupid politician yelling at another stupid politician and then twenty minutes of commercials for bio-technic hair shampoo and some camel selling you insurance that does not insure you for anything but you just got to have it because it is repeated over and over again.  And now days, when you and your family are in your living room watching TV instead of listening to the radio, when you have on one of those wonderful sit-coms where they intersperse some people that can’t hold a candle to Popeye, Brutus or Olive Oil among the twenty minutes of more of what you heard on the radio from Fall Wart Stores and the Buy Co Insurance Company.  What do you hear when watching these fabulous actors?  Coming from a lot of people who were sitting putting together these sit coms that they have, they use a laugh track instead of real laughter.

               It used to be funny to string together a lot of alliterative non-sense words instead of swearing.  Now it sure is funny to swear loud and proud and just beep out the insides of the words, you make certain that people can hear the first and last letters of the word beeped out so they know the words you are swearing.

               Some parts of laughter are consistent.  It has always been funny to point out someone we are bigoted against and then laugh at them.  We also like to point out someone who has challenged us and we won against them so now we laugh at them.  It has always been real funny to tell other people about how Jim cannot add two plus two, or how Fred, who never took a French Language Class pronounces ‘Bonjour’ as ‘Bin Jar.’  We always laugh at someone who slips and falls.  Or gets his eyes poked out.  Or how about when that other guy is concentrating so hard on nailing in that piece of wood that he doesn’t see the other guy with the hand saw cut through the board above him and wreck his saw teeth on the first guy’s head.  But in older times most of the people who got us to laugh were hitting their own thumbs with a hammer or slamming a book shut on their own noses or stepping their own feet into dog poop so we can laugh.  Some of the great old-time comedians were very self-deprecating.  Now we feel strongest when we deprecate others.  If laughter is the world’s best medicine, I do not like the way this opidioitoid crisis has gone.        

               Never forget that old saying: “Laugh at someone else and your world laughs with you.  You do not think.  Therefore, you would not think about caring about someone other than yourself.  You are not alone.”

Friday, November 30, 2018

Know You're Potential

               You have got it wrong.  You have got it reversed.  You think there is the vacuum of space.  You think you are the center of the universe.  You are not universal, global, or even national and definitely not rational. 

               Take a true look around you.  Try to really observe.  If you could only let it in.  You do not know how to take it in.  You just take.  Please, think about your basic grade school science class.  There you were given a peek at reality with Einstein’s theory of special relativity: Energy equals mass times the speed of light squared.  Try to also get some help from Newton’s second law: Force equals Mass times Acceleration.

               Mass is there.  Mass is existence.  Mass is real.  What is Acceleration?  Acceleration is speed related to time.  A lot of ways sentient and non-sentient beings notice their existence is through the use of light.  A lot of being’s existence is defined through light.  Do not make light of them.  In a particular viewpoint light makes them.  If their enlightened existence is defined by their Mass times their movement through their surroundings, that acceleration, that movement, not just in their particular corner, not just in their unique nook, but across all existence then that acceleration is the speed of light squared. 

               The force each exerts upon existence.  That energy one presents to the reality is defined by that sentient’s understanding of the scale of their personal measurement.  Your weight is your own personal take on your exertion upon existence.  Your mass is the universally understood defining of the amount that you matter.

               Energy.  Our true existence is our energy.  Our real energy is our potential energy.  You are made up of your potential.  Your energy that is stored.  That energy is you.  When you are using your energy.  You are using up your energy.  Your potential energy is made your kinetic energy.  Anything kinetic is gone.  You use it, you lose it.

               I have potential.  I have energy.  I possess force.  I am one.  I am equal.  I look around in my mass.  There is light.  There is solidity.  There are structures, firmness, shouts of “I AM HERE.”  There is something or someone everywhere.  I am something and someone everywhere. 

               You lost your potential.  You did it in order to claim.  Through your actions you are no more.  You expressed and exhaled your kinetics. 

               Massive existence holds my force, my energy.  And there you are dispersing through kineticism.  Your heat wafts off.  Your light fades.  You decay through echoing entropy.  You were one.  You were solid.  Now you have fallen apart.  You’ve been dismantled.  You are scattered, in pieces, spiraling out of control.  You do not see the brightness.  The hues of space.  The yellows, the blues, the ultra-violets, the hypnotic infra-reds.  You do not hear the sights.  You do not see the sounds.

               I know where I am and where I am not.  I know my neighbor.  I know the walls of my existence, bright, strong, scorching and loud.  You do not know.  You do not see.  You are in the dark.  I have a bright spacescape I move out into.  Your meager existence only allows you a blackened wormhole snaking through the celestial underbelly with hints and cracks leaking out lights and reds and greens you think of as planets and flickers of stars.  You do not understand existence so your mind expands your pathetic little wormhole and you believe that your pathetic little thread was created by some Big Bang and it is red shifting out to give you a lifeless vacuum to think you are sending a silly spacecraft through.

               Versus.  You see an astral wave similar to a crashing ocean wave.  You think you are strong, bold, in control with your crashing.  But a wave is similar to an Ice Berge.  It is more massive beneath the surface.  You think you possess Might with your waves crashing.  But those waves are dying.  Their crashings on the shore is not even one tenth of the power they had over the ocean trenches.  You see nothing on that surface for still water runs deep.        

Tuesday, November 27, 2018

Super Hero or Supper Gyro?

               Who is the best super hero of them all?  Batmom!  Look!  It’s the Bat Signal.  That familiar Gape and Scowl.  Up in the sky!  She really lords it over all of us.

               Batmom.  It’s even better when she is with her protégé, Atta Girl.  All over the place Batmom is encouragingly yelling “Atta Girl, Atta Girl, Atta Girl!” over and over and over again.  Atta Girl’s secret identity is Attack Girl.  Or at least they think it is a secret.  But then with Batmom and Atta Girl they think that everything they do is a secret.  Yeah, like no one can figure it out.   Batmom also keeps saying to Atta Girl, when she can’t do something or try to do something or anything that she claims she is trying to do, “Don’t be upset.  After all, you are not Supergirl.”

               Once when a newsman asked Batmom about what happened to her side kick, Batmom said, “I don’t have no need for no side kicks!  It is just natural that I have some guy follow me around.  And I get so sick of him that I have to kick him in the side, kick him when he’s down, kick him as I like, kick him all around.  But he is not a side kick.”

               Then that newsman asked “What about Atta Girl?  Isn’t she your side kick?  You seem to really get a kick out of her.”   Batmom said “That Atta Girl is not a sidekick.  She is much better than that.  She is an equal to me.  At least that is what I tell her.  She is as important as I am.  At least that is what I tell her.  But to anyone and everyone else I am much more important and, just between you and me, I can’t trust her but she is the best person in the world, other than me.”

               The interview was about to go on but then a Major Crime Wave hit!  Who is the Head of this Crime Wave?  Who is going to Butt Heads with Batmom?  Is this some kind of a Joke?  Who is going to be the Butt of this Joke?  Is it the Joker?  If you can’t figure it out maybe it is the Riddler.

               He has me quacking up.  I’ve gotto duck for cover.  Maybe it is the Penguin.

               No.  Something’s in the air.  Read the smoke signals.  It is The Chef.  He has cooked up a major robbery scheme.   The Chef, and his buddy, The Baker plan to be rolling in Dough.  The Chef has his Toady, Bus Boy, filling orders.  And another one following odors is The Baker’s Toady, Dough Boy.  They got their Toadies from the Toad Pool, or was that the Tad Pole?  Maybe I thought I saw a fishing pole, or a rolling pin.

               Anyway, Fryday night they are going to Break into the Food Bank.  They know that they have got to be quick.  They are going to   Break Fast.  They are so good at this.  They will get this done Over Easy.

               The cops want Batmom to catch Dough Boy so he can get grilled. They sure want to Book the Cook, or is that a Cook Book?  It won’t be long now.  They’ll soon be in the Cooler.  Officer Saran said, “Let’s Wrap it up.”  The Cook sighed, “Curses.  Foiled again.”  Their trial was held in the Food Court.  Even with their lawyers, Parsley, Sage and Rosemary they have to serve Thyme.  They’ll get the gas chamber.  It just did not pan out for them.  Batmom smirked at Dough Boy and said, “Your Goose Is Cooked.”

               And this Thanksgiving, how did Batmom turn the tables on The Cook, The Baker, and all those scandlestick makers?  She used the scientific method.  She used a mathematical approach.  Batmom, with the help of Atta Girl did a kitchen cleanup with a Binomial Attack.  Thanks to them We will Buy No Meals as they Solve For Zero.  And who is a Bigger Zero than her side kick, That Negative One?

Saturday, November 24, 2018

Bear Lee Acre in the World

               Mama Bear told me to go wash my hair.  There sure are a lot of things I’d like to get out of my hair.  She is really a Scare Bear!  Woops, I mean a Care Bear!  You talk to her and she is always so bubbly, like she’s CareBearNated.  She displays such a bond.  I think she is out on bond.  It makes me think, is she a care bond or a carbon?  I sure breathe easier with her around.  I mean I breathe easier when she has had another round.  Let’s take a shot at it.  Without those shots she’d be like a car bomb.  Take that you people who think there are too many shootings!  Time to admit it, it’s a carbine!  This is something to be proud about, we are a great carbine nation.

               Well, she targeted me.  I have to go do as I am told.  She just told me to go soak my head.  And there I go, looking for something else she told me.  Something she said got me to thinking “Pooh, Pooh.  Oh, here it is, ShamPooh!”  I start reading the label.  It says it is a botanical.  Or is that a Buy A Ton ictal?  Mama Bear insists that it is good for me.  That it is a biotoxical.  Or maybe she said botan or butt on?  A buttoxical?  Man, I don’t like those icicles.  I understand now, I have got to smear some on my head and that is pretty close to butt on.  She just told me to button my lip. 

               This shampoo sure smells.  Good.  Maybe it is a bicentennial.  From the smell I would say it is a bison genial. 

               I saw a commercial and it sounded like they bragged that this shampoo was either bio toxic or botoxic.  My aunt always had something good to say about Botox.  She started getting treatments twenty years ago, when she first turned thirty.  I’ve lost track of how many times she had turned thirty.  Now she doesn’t look a day over thirty-five.  I’ve also lost track of when she got her embalming treatment.  With truth in advertising that bo or bio has got to be toxic somehow. 

               Freddy, at school, told me that he thinks my shampoo is Batmanoxic.  Or did he say Batman moronic?  I know, he said that I think I look like Batman but I am an Ox.

               Maybe that shampoo is biotanical?  Look at my fingers.  They always get darker after I massage it in.  I’ll bet it is biopsychosocial.  Mama Bear is pretty psycho and she tells me to use it all the time.  Talk about your socialism.  Here we are at the Great Carbine Nation again.  It really is Carbine National Socialism!    Maybe there is some botulism, too!

               Finally, Mama Bear has something she can be happy about!  And that is, I am all washed up.  I think that I haven’t got a care in the world.  Or was that I think I haven’t got a care, a car, or a scar in my hair?  A cigar?  Maybe that was a cigarillo.  Or should I say that I think I haven’t got a care in my head?  Wait.  I know, “I’ve got to be careful because I haven’t got a thought in my head!”         

Wednesday, November 21, 2018

Ant Bee or Be an Ant

               Dogs and Cats are friends.  They have been friends for ages.  Those growls and barks and hisses.  That is just a show they put on in front of man.  They think that they trained man.  It was cold.  It was rainy.  They only had paws.  Sure, they could scratch.  Sure, they could dig.  They could slide a slice of flesh up to their mouths so they could eat.  But they really could not do much with those paws.

               Then these big dummies came swinging and bouncing along.  A banana in their mouths and a banana in their hands.  They had hands!  The Cats and Dogs knew they could do something with that.  The Cats and Dogs decided to adopt those Humans.  Rub up against their legs.  Purrrrr to them.  Whimper and look at those humans with their sad dog and sad cat eyes.  Then when you get hungry, point the deer and the pigs out to them.  Eventually they got the idea and caught the lambchops. 

               Hey, it’s cold.  Instead of huddling on the ground and having the cats curl up around you necks why don’t you dig a hole, find a cave and live there.  Oh no!  It is a hole in the ground!  What do you find in a hole in the ground?  Why, it is a bunch of mice and rats and little brown hairy squirmy things.  The Cats knew to eat them.  They got extra food and those Humans got taught to keep the place clean and give those Dogs and Cats a nice dry place to live.  Food, a roof over your heads, and someone to pet you when you feel down.  What more can you want?  Those Dogs and Cats were geniuses when they came up with that idea to domesticate those stupid apes.  “They are our slaves and we are kings of our castles.  We put on a show by barking and scratching at each other.  Heck, it is exercise.  Those Humans will believe anything.  I know, the Humans will think us Dogs can’t stand that Mail Man.  And let’s build up some prejudice here.  Tell the Humans that it is bad luck if a BLACK Cat CROSSES their paths.  They can use BLACK and CROSS in the same superstition.” 

               Cats eat mice and pee on rocks.  Man was taught to make things that Dogs want to lift their legs to pee on.  Man was taught to build houses and barns to attract more mice for those Cats to eat.

               Dogs and Cats are almost as stupid as Man if they think that they trained and bred Man to do these things.  It was the Microbes that trained Man.  The Microbes taught Man.  The Microbes told Man what to eat.  The Microbes made Man their slaves.  The Microbes ordered Man to make machines, to build vats, to construct computers, all that to make the Microbes more comfortable. 

               They ordered Man to dig and burn coal.  They directed Man to drill for oil, to Frack, to burn oil in their cars.  They snapped those whips and Man mined uranium.  Man mined plutonium so he could have atomic power for his electrical plants.  And plant bombs to kill other Men.  And cause Cancer in Man for descendants, family lives to come.  “Smoke that tobacco.  Breathe those hydrocarbons.  Dig on, dig it, get a real glow to you.” 

               Cancer cells are the ruling cells of the Microbes.  They are the Super Cells.  And they sure taught Man to make good housing for millions of Cancer cells to come.  The Cancer cells based their philosophies on the Ants and the Bees.  For show they puppet move Man to mindlessly honor their own Queen Bees.  Their Royalty.  Their Corporate Owners who reel in the drones, the Presidents and Vice Presidents, to make Man suck the life blood out of all the plants.  “Oooh.  Flowers!”  All so those corporate owners can eat more honey.  “I am the King Bee!”  “I am the King Ant!”

               They have their Bee Hives. The Humans smoke.  They Bee Have.  They have an Ant Nest.  No Human dares to switch to solar or wind power.  That they all Attest.

               Ants round up aphids to produce food on their farms.  This is what Cancer cells do to Brain cells.  They round up cows and place them in unwalkable pens to produce veal.  That is veal good for Man.