Monday, October 22, 2018

See What Seems


               I cannot hear good.  Last night Hank got mad at me.  He was standing there, behind the bar, boringly drying some glasses while his mouth was jabbering.  I didn’t say nothing.  Finally, he looked at me in disgust.  He said, “That WAS the last CALL!” and moved on.  Well, if I can’t hear, how could I answer a CALL?  I didn’t even see the phone.  Hank got mad at me because of my hearing, or was it because of my herring?  At Christmas Time the bar puts out plates of herring.  Then I noticed that Fred was holding a switchblade to my neck.   He asked me “How many chances are in your last chance?”  Before I could take a stab at that one Cynthia asked me “How many girls are your one and only?”  I mumbled back that that was like asking “How many Stooges are the Three Stooges?”  I then turned to Fred “Now I don’t want to be ugly, I am only trying to ask with Glea. Son, was that ‘How Many’ or ‘Homina’?”

               I’ve been noticing that for some people Racist is Racy.

               I also learned that ‘Advertisement’ in Spanish means warning.  So, are we being warned when something is advertised?  We sure need to be warned since an election is coming up and there are a ton of advertisements out there.  No disPutin that Collusion Conclusion Concussion Rebuffin ReRussian Confusion.  Over and over again that idiot just yells, “No Collusion so you better Knuckle Under!”  I just want to yell back “Don’t you start calling me a Monkey’s Knuckle!  You Prehensile Regrettable!”  

               Some people say that we are stuck between the AG and some Race Hate.  Remember that A.G. Sessions was put in office because he was defined by Racial Hatred.  Now, this is like being stuck between A Rage and An Irate place.

               I am just scratching the surface.  I know I have to dig deeper.

Head Wind
Head Strong
Head of Lettuce
Heads will Roll
I still don’t know what Role our Head is playing
But I do see that Babies sure like to play a lot



               Hey, there is something buzzing in my ear.  Is it that I’m crawling with anger?  I wish I was teaming with life.  I know I am not on the same team as my co-workers, or my neighbors, or even my brother oh why do I bother.  But realize, this is only…

               Hey!  I found a stack of magazines.  Do you know what a magazine is?  Before you go shooting your mouth off.  They are paper publications that you can read.  Providing that you know how to read.  No, they do not hold bullets so your gun can kill your neighbor, or your spouse.

               I read through a bunch of these today.  I tore out pages from several stories.  I also ripped up anything that had a date on it.  We talked it over and decided to make a game out of it.  We started bringing in one story to our table for lunch when we were at work.  This takes our minds off the daily grind.  We try to guess the publication date of each of the magazines by their stories.  Some mentioned presidents.  Others talked about residents.  Some talked about fuels.  A lot talked about fools.  Or is it that they talked like fools?  Some stories had discussions of lead in drinking water.  I asked “How can water drink?  Are you reading Science Fiction?  Is all Science Fiction?”  I must be right.  Some stories described Canals on Mars.  I asked, “Why would anyone want Cannibals on Mars?  I thought we were pushing for USA first.  We want the Cannibals here, along with the cannon balls along with the Can’t Vote At Alls!”  Others had printed names of different countries either Myanmar or Burma.  Abyssinia or Ethiopia.  Ceylon or Sri Lanka.  Germany or East and West Germany or Germany.  Some names changed over history.  We hopped up on Energy Sources.  What gave us Energy at one time was thought of as garbage at another year.  Even the names of colors have changed over time.  Who were enemies and who were heroes.  What was smart and what was stupid.

               We enjoyed this game.  We enjoyed it a lot more than real life.  Do you know of any games we can play now?  Life is getting too disgusting.

Thursday, October 18, 2018

Coffee Run


18th Chapter Stellar Bus



               “Come on people.  Wake up.  Watch your step.  I am Ralph.  I am your humble driver of this group of Omnibus Diverter operators working for the United Field Hyperbolics fleet of mass transportational devices.  I know it is early.  Man, I feel like I am in bed right now.  I guess that is why they call this ‘The Coffee Run.’  I would like to say ‘Hello’ to the various murmuring, snoring, red eyed and otherwise drowsy passengers as you are welcomed aboard.  This is not a dream.  I would like to proudly point out that just like Voyager 1 back in December of 2004 we have recently crossed that shock boundary of interstellar wind, and if I may quote Edward Stone ‘we have been in the heliosheath, which is the region where the solar wind has slowed down and is now turning to head back down the tail of the heliosphere.’

               “So, I would like to say good morning and helio to you all.  People or whatever you are, tuck in your sheaths, keep your tails between your legs, raise your sails proudly, or vice versa, or even uni-vice uni-versa.  Please remember to make your beds and make your way up into this comfortable Stellar Bus.  Escalators are at your beck and call if you are too sleepy to move your two (or however many) feet.  The beck stairs are available for those awake enough and in too much of a need to go potty to wait for the go dawfully slow escalator to escalate things.  Why do you think they call it esca late?

               “Departure is brewing for nine thousand and sixty-two cafĂ© seconds from now.  My last serving placed us on the Cusp of star system NGC 6503.  I like to refer to this mass transportational device as my personal flying saucer.  This Cusp landed Saucer is planned for the Cartwheel Galaxy in Twenty-two point two two two hyponyms.  I like mine hyper hot with a black hole.  For those planning to relax on a beach might I suggest a tall glass of Galaxy IC 1101.

               “Your initial serving will be a delicious dark matter string but just wait a few light years and those who want to can drink in as much of the Milky Way as you like.  Please resonate to tektite your sidereals.”

               To my side I hear, “Hey hey Ralphie Boy!  Get a load of these nut boarding.  Usually one or two at a time.  Or as they say in Spanishtic ‘Un Nut, Do Nut.  Un Nut, Do Nut.’  Man, there’s a whole bunch of those Do Nuts.  And they hardly look human.  Man, I’m gonna have a lot of work to do.  It’s gonna take me hours just to clean up what’s left from those bear claws scraping our hallways.”

               I say, “Ed, I’m just amazed at how many of them we got.  They are just drinking this up.  I’ll bet we’ll have a lot of dunks floating around in our hallways.”

               Ed then went on, “I couldn’t give a pot.  I get paid, that’s all I care about.  This is a Stellar Bus and I am the Bus Boy.”

               We went on from there.  I’m taking care of the fill ups.  Ed’s clearing the tables and washes away.  Our prices are competitive.  We cost half as much as that Starbucks Line.  And our facilities are pretty good.  We advertise in this galactic arm “Fly the United Field Hyperbolics fleet and let them eat coffee cake.”

               Alice was saying to me, “Whenever we go through this area I wish we were on the grounds again.  Can’t you imagine taking in the sun on the sands at Nassau instead of this constant taking off towards Mars in our Spirit Rover only to be trapped in the sands after taking off from NASA.”

               I answer, “Yeah, yeah.  I know.  The Black Holes.  The Dark Strings.  Trixie told you that Nassau NASA stuff.  Okay, let’s take a break.  How about if we let Trixie pay for it?”

               Alice goes on about how Trixie needs a rest, “If she doesn’t get some rest soon, she’s going to waste away to nothing.”

               I replied “Don’t you care if I waste away?”

               Alice returned, “Yes, I care, Ralph! But you wouldn't waste away if you stayed awake for nine years.”

               I concluded “How would you like to waste away on the moon?”

Monday, October 15, 2018

I Do Not Understand


I do not laugh at you
I laugh at myself
I am bigger than you
I do not hit you
You attack me



               You run up to me.  You attack me.  I grab you by your shirt and hold you up.  You say, “Go ahead.  Hit me.  I am hitting you.”  I say, “I am not you” and I toss you down.  You run away.  You are laughing and you tell the whole school about what a little weakling I am.

               From the neighborhood through grade school through high school through a career, every day is the same.  Dave tells me to take notes for him.  Mark laughs at me when in history class the teacher asks me to write a paragraph on the black board answering the question “Why were we in the Vietnam War.?”  I wrote words stating that there were many multi-layered pushes.  Businesses wanted cheap chemical supplies.  Governments wanted forced international loans repaid.  Racial hatred was empowering various groups.  A nearing election motivated desires.  Low employment possibilities were on the horizon for younger Americans.  Discouraged white Americans felt it was easier to grow hatred of oriental foreign people than to treat black fellow Americans with dignity and equality.

               The teacher wanted, 1) “We owed a debt of gratitude to the French nation.” 2) “Once these foreigners take over South Vietnam America ain’t far behind.” 3) “They are Communists.  We must rid the world of Communism.”

               The natural way I did things was I tried to understand questions and sought multiple dimensions for the reasons major activities happened.  It does not lead to quick communications but I try not to assume and leave out possible meaningful information.  The teacher always wants three parts to the answer. “It is easier to understand.”  Some things are in reality not easy to understand.  The people directing our activities motivated by their greed like to use ‘noble debt’ as an excuse to advance themselves.  It was popular at the time of my history assignment to blame Communism for the reason we act immorally.  A lot of disputes between nations were autocrats expressing jealousy of other autocrats.  These countries were autocrats, not true Communists or Socialists.

               During literature class Dave passed notes with his friends.  His notes talked about the girls in the classes, last night’s ball game., and what’s for lunch.  The notes I handed asked “Do you think I should ask Miss Smith if Franz Kafka’s ‘Report To The Academy’ gives a different lean on Camus’s ‘The Outsider?’”  Miss Smith intercepted my note and assigned me to write a thousand-word essay stating “Why Camus’s work should not be devalued by comparing his words to that of an insurance adjuster.”  I felt, it is not that I disliked Camus, however I enjoyed the writings of Kafka and wanted to think about similar yet different leanings on a mutual subject.  Now I officially had to put down the writings of Franz Kafka.

               That was then and it kept going on and on.  This is now and it still keeps going on and on.

               Now that we are mature.  Now that we are at work.  We both work in the same place, you and I.  We both work in the same department.  You have been there several years longer than I have.  You may not be Dave or Mark or the bully that laughed at me because I do not want to hurt people, but sometimes, many times, if feels like all the time, there is me and there is you.  So now you and I are at work. 

               On a new assignment of mine I ask you how to do something.  Instead of answering me, you ask me to do something for you.  I don’t know what or how to do what you asked me and I definitely did not know much about what I asked you. Why would I ask you if I knew?  You should have known that if I didn’t know the thing I was asking you about then I probably didn’t know about the thing you were asking me to do.  You probably knew, if you knew anything.  Anyway, with a bit of work I was able to do what you asked me, and you tell other people that you did it.  I read and investigated and eventually found some answer to what I asked you.  I completed what I was working on.  You point to what I produced and proudly told other people, “He asked me how to do that.”  You did not mention that you never answered me.  The people who listen to you assume you are intelligent and management material.  And the people that listen to me, well, there is nothing more to say because I’m the type that nobody listens to.

Friday, October 12, 2018

Forest For The Threes


               I’m in a forest.  It’s funny looking out there.  I went hiking and got lost in these Tree Stooges.

               I walked through a clearing.  I saw a Hardy Mum and next to it was a Laurel covered with a lot of loose, silty mud.  That was another fine mess they got into.

               Some boy scouts had gone this way.  One of them used a pocket knife to remind their brothers that they walked that way.  On an oak I saw their marks.  The Marks were four the other Brothers. 

               There was all flat ground for a while.  Now I got to start stepping up.  I’m calling this my Bend Knee Hill.

               If I could walk that way I wouldn’t be lost in this forest.  My shirt tails keep slipping out.  I got to stop and tuck them back in my pants.  This doesn’t happen to me back at the office.  I guess these woods make me a Forrest Tucker.

               Gosh for Daniels, when you climb up that hill, what do you see?   Fields!  And that was sure a tiring climb.  I say to myself that you should not be carrying all that stuff.  Do you really need to be Totie Fields?  And where will you go?  I’ll go where I May!  I’ll go May West.  Maybe I’ll see her some time.

               Then this morning I saw another hiker.  He slipped and fell into the Joan rivers.  It happened a little before lunch time.  George had already started up our camp fire.  He piled up the logs and got a good Burns going.  It soon smelled like Thanksgiving.  He got a huge Bus Turkey On his grill.  He picked it up pretty cheap at the neighborhood Lou Costellco.  George’s wife soon started picking on him, “I smell something!  Be Carolful!  You don’t want to Burnett!”  George is used to all that.  He just shook his head and said, “It’s okay.  What you smelled was only some Bernt Lahrd.  Now why don’t you say Gracie Allen and I’ll serve.  I am serving life, aren’t I?”

               After lunch we sat around enjoying the look of the land.  The leaves turning their Joe E Browns and their Phall Silvers.  All the trees and bushes had a nice Ghallagher and Shean to them.

               I then looked at my watch and said, “Hey folks, it’s time to go home.  Tomorrow morning will come around pretty fast.  Tomorrow is Sunday.  It makes no different if you are a Catholic, Protestant, or a George E Jesselite.  You all claim that you are god-fearing citizens.  I’ll go one better than that.  I am an Arthur Godfreying citizen.”

               I really like that church.  I get such a good feeling, walking into their Eddie Foyer.  They have a really good choir.  When I was in school I tried to sing.  I was never good at it.  I could not get into the Jackie Glee Club. 

               And I do think that I am pretty religious.  Why, when I am sick I don’t just hop into the hospital looking for some Doctor Howard, Doctor Fine, or Doctor Howard.  Instead I kneel into that Chapel.   I call out to the chaplain.  Now this is my regular church so I know who’s in charge here.  His name is Ted.  So, when I am ill I will hobble in and call out “Ted Heal Me!”  His work is gold here.  Or it weighs the same as gold.  That might be lead.  And they have a lot of kneeling benches there.  Why, you walk in and everyone starts going “Pew” “Pew” “Pew.”  I know.  They are pewter!   Someone raised such a stink that they had to get a second Chaplin.  He is sort of a quiet guy.  He sure doesn’t speak much.  His name is Charles.  This church is the business of a bunch of monks.  Their head Abbot is a guy named Bud.

               It gets me the way some people go to church, they get all dressed up fancy like.  Diamonds, hats and gloves, fur coats.  You’d think they are going to some formal high-class Lucille Ball.  And their odors, man, I really do feel sick smelling all their Jerry Colonnas.  Me, I’ll just wear a suit so I can look respectful while on my Jimmy Durantknee.  Now I got to get behind the wheel of my Art Carney and drive off to mass.

Tuesday, October 9, 2018

Is It VitaMan If I Bite A Man?


Mirror Mirror On The Dog
Chapter Three
Is It VitaMan If I Bite A Man?



               Finally, “Man, can’t these humans ever give credit where that credit is due?  First it was Vitamin Man saving the world.  Then they felt a bit guilty about taking all the credit after they did nothing about it.  So it was Vital Man and his Vitamin Dog.  But they still took credit.  They claimed that they trained him.  They claimed they made him what he was.  And they claimed they commanded him and they called him ‘Vitamin Dog.’”

               They just won’t admit that it was ME that saved them.  I saved them all.  I saved Timmy and Jimmy and Jiminy Cricket oh Blimey I even saved Bliminy and it just ain’t cricket.

               Maybe we should call him Vitavim Man, or Flim Flam Man?  He is not a Vital Man to this great nation.  He is just the whim of his imagination. What A Whim Man!

               Where did they come up with this: “Every Dog Must Have His Leash”?  That’s the leashed they could do.

               They are afraid of werewolves.  Vitamin A is supposed to help your vision, protect your skin, and make your bone and teeth grow.  They get so worried that they hide a Vitamin A pill in a clump of peanut butter.  Heck, I just eat the peanut butter and spit out the Vitamin A.  It doesn’t make me into a dog that can fight werewolves.  There ain’t no such things as Poodles or Bichons or Shih Tzus.  We are all just wolves.  I liked that peanut butter though.

               They don’t even know why they gave me Thiamine.  Thiamine is in cereals and grains and nuts.  Just give me the peanut butter, I’ll spit out the pill, and while you’re at it give me a couple milk bone dog biscuits.

               I heard that I am supposed to fight a really big guy.  They give me Riboflavin so I can break him down to size.  Riboflavin helps your body break down fats and carbohydrates.  If he is big he is probably fat.  Considering what’s at stake, why don’t you just give me a big fat steak to eat?

               Werewolf, werewolf, werewolf.  So you hide some Niacin in peanut butter.  It’s Nice In there.  I’ll take the peanut butter In and say “Ni Ni Ni” on the pill.  Now that pill that is supposed to be good for hair growth gets spilled.  Won’t someone please just brush my hair? 

               You call your Superman strong.  You want someone strong to protect you.  Everyone is Super this and Super that.  And that is all based on a comic book.  You know, some meaningless drawings so that kids could look like they’re reading instead of actually opening up a text book or a history book or a biography and learning something.  You heard that Pantothenic Acid converts food to energy.  You give me some of that.  You now think I will be able to leap pot holes in two or three bounds.  It just makes me pant.

               You are so afraid of vampirism and walking dead and comic book things like that.  You saw a commercial about Biotin.  They claim your body will be able to absorb proteins, carbohydrates and fats.  You give it to me and tell me to eat that person you think is attacking you.  Well, I ain’t Buyin In To any of this.

               You like to brag about your brains and you get afraid that someone attacking you has bigger brains.  You saw another commercial telling you how Vitamin B-6 improves brain function.  Well, Duhh.  Someone selling you something tells you your brain will work better if you buy it.  Who’s the Brainiac here?  I just eat the peanut butter, spit out the pill, and bark at the Mail Man.

               Aw.  Poor you.  You are frightened.  You are scared.  You are nervous.  If you are nervous you feel that I am nervous too.  B-12 is supposed to help nerve function.  I go through my usual.  Eat Spit Bark until someone lets me out.

               Vitamin Man says he’s taking care of the safety of your kids and their kids to come.  He says Folate Acid prevents anemia.  Folate Acid helps Red Blood Cells.  Folate Acid is good for your DNA.  Well, if we were really attacked it would be a little Late to take a pill to forget it.  Don’t believe everything that you “red.”  I DNI any of these claims, but keep the peanut butter coming.  Give me some good meat on a bone and that is my reason to chew it.

               Vital Man got you all worked up about diseases.  He tells you he’s getting me to eat some Vitamin C.  He thinks I’m eating it anyway.  Vitamin C is supposed to prevent infections and promote a healthy immune system.  If I had my way I wouldn’t go to those Veterinarians anyway.  They are almost as bad as Mail Man.

               V-Man is going on about Vampires and Verevolfs again.  I’m starting to call him VerMan. Like from that Mel Brooks movie, “Ver Volf?  Ver Volf?”  “There.  There volf.”  Vatt should Ve Do, V-Man? Vatt Do Ve Doo?   Vatt about Vitamin D.  D as in Do.  D as in Doo Doo.  D absorbs Calcium.  D makes your teeth strong.  Hey, V-Man, I’ll show you how strong my teeth are.  Stick out your arm.

               Now Ver Man wants to take a breath.  He wants us all to breathe easier thanks to him.  So thanks to him I get a glob of peanut butter with Vitamin E hidden in the middle.  It is amazing that I am so stupid that I don’t know by now that he is hiding those pills in the middle of my peanut butter clumps.  I’ll just keep eating the clumps and spitting out those pills.  Vitamin E is an anti-oxidant.  Isn’t that a contradiction to what you want Ver Man?  That pill is against Oxygen.  I am for Oxygen.  I feel like you want me in a Salvador Dali movie.  The Anti-Oxidant Dog.

               That Ver Man thinks he’s getting cute.  “Since you are a K-nine it should help you if you took some Vitamin K.  Yeah, come on.  Roll it up.  Give it to me.  I’ll slurp up the Peanut Butter and spit out that pill.  Now I have help with blood clotting.  Now my body is encouraging my name sake.  I am now Vita K Nine.  Heck, I’ll just catch a cat, shake my head, and its fur and blood will splatter all over the place.  You’ll think you won. 

               And you think we have won.  There was no monster stepping on buildings or eating children or turning into bats out there.  You just wanted to claim how wonderful you are.  I just ate my peanut butter and dug holes in the yard.  At least it is over for the time being.      

               I just got to say in disgust “Mirror Mirror on the log, who is the fairest Dog oh god?”  Or just throw me a rubber ball.  This is legit.  Read about it in The Dog Log.  Dagnab it, Dog Nab It.  There is a Dog Log, just get a Leg Up on that.  Give me the Leg Up Salute.  They should shower you with praise.  Like I just showered that fire hydrant.  Any sort of a Rant or Rave.  Oh just Log It as in “Captain’s Log cur date eight point five point three point seven point six.”  Man, there are a lot of Pointers out there.  

               And I hope I see no Vital Man for Vital While.  I am the Vital One.  And there should be no guy commanding Vitamin Dog.  It was I, all the time.  I Bite A Man.  Call Me Bite A Man Dog!

Saturday, October 6, 2018

It's Not VitaMan, That Vital Dog Is VitaDog


Mirror Mirror On The Dog
Chapter Two
It’s Not VitaMan, That Vital Dog is VitaDog



               Can you believe it?  All the work I do!  All the homes I protect!  All the lives I save!  And He takes credit for it.  He calls himself VitaMan.  I’m the one that takes the Vitamins.  I am VitaDog!

               Those darn humans don’t deserve all the praise they get.  For example, when Timmy fell down the well and a few weeks later they noticed he was missing.  What happened?  They start yelling “Come here Lassie!  Where’s Timmy?”  Then they gave me a vitamin in a wad of peanut butter and sent me off.  And they wouldn’t even admit that I’m a guy dog.  Calling me Lassie.  Sheesh!  And then I dragged back a kid, any kid clutched in my jaws, and they proclaim that they saved Timmy.

               It’s happening again.  This enemy is big.  I mean he’s huge.  He’s a real wolf.  And this guy, their hero gives me Vitamin A.  Normally I am a Chihuahua.  I swallow the pill and I jump out as a Great Dane!  And I’m not some nerdy little guy from Denmark claiming that I am Great.  I’m a Police Dog now.  And this hero of theirs, when he sees me, since he wants me to do something, he wants me to protect him, then he should ask “Pulease.”

               This monster I am fighting against, he’s starting fires all over the place.  The man with the bottle gives me some Thiamine.  It is supposed to be found in grains, nuts, and peas.  Well, maybe I spelled wrong.  I swallowed that vitamin and instead of peas it was pees.  At least I put out the fires.

               I am fighting a Giant.  And the guy holding my leash just gave me some Riboflavin.  I look.  I howl.  I shout, “Heel!  Sit!  Go Lyeth Down!”  And it works.

               There are a lot of things bad for Man and Nature.  Climate Change is one of them.  I know, we don’t want to admit Man is causing Climate Change.  How about if we say that this monster is causing climate change?  We have a new glacial period because of him.  My human just gave me some Niacin.  That’s good for hair growth.  I grew so much hair I could melt the world!

               My human is claiming that these vitamins are turning him into Superman.  He just fed me Pantothenic Acid.  That’s good at changing your food to energy.  He told the world that he could now “chug the course of mighty rivers.”  Hey guy, I’m the one that can bend tin foil in my bare paws.  And that is bare paws, not bear claws.  Please donut make that mistake again.

               Again he wants to save some little kids that this monster put in a cage.  He gives me Biotin and tells his neighbor that he will absorb the bars and free little Timmy.  I just let him do what he wants at the bars.  I’ll absorb the peanut butter that he hid the Biotin in and spit out the pills.

               This guy tells the world he is making himself super smart to fight this super monster.  He tells his buddies he is taking B-6.  I don’t need no B-6.  If you’re smart enough to know not to Bark when the Dog Catcher is around you know not to Bark when a Monster is around.

               Heck, I got caught by that Dog Catcher anyway.  It didn’t help that my genius of a human was yelling, “There’s the Dog Catcher!  Hide!   Hide!”  He forced some B-12 down my throat before I got caught up in the net.  He was right this time.  B-12 adds  to nerve function.  It made me real nervous.  It made me so nervous that I just kept digging and digging.  What do you know, I dug my way out of the kennels.

               My human now gave me Folate Acid.  He told the newspapers that with Folate he will be able to find everyone’s missing relatives.  Yeah, sure.  It don’t work for everyone.  What I did though is checked out the Monster’s DNA and found his parents and kids.  If you can’t threaten the bad guy himself, threaten his family.

               With all these problems going on, what does my human do?  We’re all about to die and he thinks about necking with his girlfriend.  What are we in, a Woman’s Channel Movie?  He feeds me Vitamin C and tells me to find Louse Filled Lane.  Well, Vitamin C promotes a healthy immune system and prevents infections.  I wish it could prevent affections.  For my healthy immune system it does get rid of ticks.  Yup, it gets rid of ticks and tics and romantics (wink wink).

               My human may not be pure at heart and I’ll bet he doesn’t say his prayers at night.  I hear him praying now because this monster is going gothic on us.  This nut is giving me Calcium.  He says that the monster’s teeth will just dissolve in my skin.  I take it and because I took the Vitamin D before, my body can now fight sunlight deficiency.  You know what that means,  I can kill vampires.

               I’m about to give up and so is my human.  The odds really are against us.  He gives me some Vitamin E.  Vitamin E is an anti-oxidant.  I feel, when the odds are against you, this is Anteing up at the Poker Game of Life.

               Just when I thought it was all over, I got a partner and this partner actually came through for me.  My human gave me some Vitamin K and paired me up with some bleeding-heart hippy dippy.  Well, that Vitamin K is great with blood clotting and I turned that bleeding-heart long hair into a skull shaved Nazi with a tattooed right wing, and a gun.  We took a shot.  We took my best shot.  Something died and I don’t think it was me. 

               It still raises my bile that this Human takes credit for all this.  Who’s the one he really fed the Vitamins to?      

Wednesday, October 3, 2018

Mirror Mirror On The Dog


Mirror Mirror On The Dog
Chapter One
Take Your Vitamins



               The world is in a sorry state.  I’ve never seen it this bad.  Mass Destruction.  People killed all over the place.  Whole communities in shambles.

               It was not a hurricane.  Hell, we are in Chicago!  How many hurricanes come through here?  The city’s being demolished.

               Someone slashed your throat today.  Someone drained your blood.  Someone toppled the Sears Tower.  Someone kicked the S out of Soldiers Field.  Now they call it Soldier Field.  How low can it go?  Is that the work of just one man?  How could one man do that all?  But, more importantly, what can be done about it?

               That is what I am pondering.  What can I do about it?

               The enemy, he is horrid.  He is a giant.  He is pure evil.  And I am Vitamin Man!

               My mother told me “Take your vitamins.”  My doctor told me “Take your vitamins.”  The message from the 800 number that I told them my credit card number and its expiration date, they keep telling me to “Take your vitamins.”  Thank god they keep selling me more vitamins.

               And me, being frightened, being concerned, being your fellow cetirizine, I mean citizen, and especially with me being Vitamin Man, my inner self tells me “Take your vitamins!”

               I open my eyes.  I get out of bed.  I step forward, through the doorway, down the street, and into this ransacked world.  I see bones to the left of me, cave ins to the right of me, and through all this smoke and fire, all those pleadings and heart wrenching screams, all the jagged windows and swirling miasmas of scalding, bubbling doom pits where all roads round us up to that giant, fanged, hairy, muscle bound last man you will ever see again.  He is the end of you.  He is the end of your children.  And he is the end of your children’s children.

               His right foot smashed the Northwestern Hospital’s wall.  His tail sliced Soldier Field.  Sliced?  He sliced and diced that stadium.  His exhale burnt Holy Name Cathedral to the ground.  It got incinerated.  Holy Name is now a crematorium. 

               With his eyes demanding my succumbents, the veins of my inner self told me, once again, “Take your vitamins!”

               Let’s start at the very beginning.  I’m told that is a very good place to start.  If it is you, you’d begin with “One, Two, and Three.”  Since it is me, I begin with “A, B, and C.  I learned by rote.  That happens to me.”

               “A”, vitamin A, vitamin A promotes vision, skin, bone growth and strong teeth.  My enemy, our enemy is a hairy monster.  To even the playing field I took vitamin A to give me a hound’s vision, doggedly powerful limbs, and extraordinarily canine incisors.  Teeth!  The fight is now werewolf to werewolf.

               I see so much destruction, so many dead.  One after another after another, and all the results of one man.  My actions, my reactions, I next took Vitamin B, Thiamin.  Thiamin is the importance of peas, of nuts, of whole grains.  I get the strength of a cereal to stop a serial killer.

               Our world is being destroyed by a giant.  This is our hour destruction in Biblical Terms.  We are at the foot of a Goliath.  Eve me out of this, I won’t take a Ribbing, I will take a Riboflavin instead.  Riboflavin breaks down fats and carbohydrates.  This giant is big.  Big and fat.  I took my Riboflavin.  Am I up to it?  I say yes.  If I was a Russian I would say “Da!  That is me!  Da! I am Da Vid.  I am David.  And I slip a sling shot out of my back pocket. 

               People, remember this, this attack did not just happen overnight.  No!  It was not a here today gone tomorrow problem.  This has been going on and my fight will keep going on tomorrow, the next day, the next week, oh when will it ever end?  I’ve got to keep up my everyday existence.  I have a cape and cowl.  I need a chance to comb my hair.  How does Batman look without his mask?  How does Superman look without the Cape?  Lois Lane doesn’t even know it is him.  As long as I can grow with my hair.

               Niacin promotes healthy hair growth.  When I am in my newspaper reporter or wealthy existence and need to fight this immortal enemy I take niacin which changes me from Clark West or Adam Kent or whoever I am, whoever I was, and I grow hair.  Boy do I ever grow hair.  Niacin, along with my vitamin A, I turn into a werewolf.  Since I am fighting a werewolf I should really call myself a hairwolf.  Terry Lalbut has no silver bullets on me, but, pew, he does have some garlic.

               My enemy might think he is the superior so I have to take the right vitamins.  I need to take Pantothenic Acid.  It is another vitamin that B’s and it B the vitamin that converts food to energy.  I take Pantothenic Acid and I can chug the course of mighty rivers.  It might make my rivers in reverse.  Speaking of reverse rivers, it might make my own rivers a bit yellow, but do I have any other courses?

               That monster that is attacking us, he gets his joy by hurting us in a variety of ways.  He burns our houses.  He bites our necks.  He rips our mates to shreds.  And he imprisons our children in cages, in kennels, in bricked up boxes.  Biotin makes your body absorb many things, things of strength, things like proteins, carbohydrates and fats.  I’ve got to save the children.    I take that biotin and absorb the prison bars that barred our children from our world.

               This feels like 1984.  We are fighting Lex Luthor.  He really is smart.  Or is that he really smarts?  Whatever, I really got a head ache.  Well, you know that old saying, “Take your vitamins.”  I don’t want to sound sing song about it, I wish I could put him in Sing Sing, but the tune came to the space between my ears, “Whatever will B will B.”  You say that enough time and you get the picture.  The number of times I said that was six.  So I took B-6.  I’ve been taught that B-6 improves brain function.  It does.  I took it and now I can really brain him.

               I’ve been jittery lately and my enemy, he’s been Gigantically.  Someone, from under a broken outhouse yelled to me “Get your nerve up.”  I was about to yell back, “What nerve you have.”  But I stopped at “What nerve.”  And I was right, I did not have the nerve.  I figured that if I could brain him with B-6 I’d like to do double the damage.  Double that would be B-12.  B-12 builds new cells and improves your nerve functions.  Now I may be a Nervous Nelly but in taking B-12 I got more cells and I got more nerves.  I was now a Nervous Giant.

               I am stuttering here and skipping around there and I am almost dizzying him out.  He’s holding his ears so he doesn’t hear me.  I’m holding my nose so I do not smell him.  No, that was not him I smelled, or not just him.  He killed so many of my friends and neighbors and even people that I just don’t know, people I never knew.  Well, since whatever will B will B and I want to make the best of a fol situation (I know what you are thinking, you are thinking I forgot about U) but I was just a little behind the times instead of a big behind this time.  In other words I was a little late.  So it was time for Folate.  Folate prevents anemia, it builds red blood cells, and it makes DNA.  So I went from house to house bringing back the kids, bringing back the aunts and uncles, bringing back the mothers and fathers.  I brought back your wife. Don’t hold that against me.

               With my brain working a bit better now and since I can grow my hair on command so my girlfriend Louse Filled Lane can’t tell my heroic self from my secreting identity I thought, maybe I should have some abilities that are worth hiding.  I know, you are getting bored over there going “One, two three.  One, two, three.  One, two, three…”  I just have to remind you, for me it is “A, B, C.”  See, see, that note struck a chord.  Vitamin C prevents infections and promotes a healthy immune system.  I took my Vitamin C so I could be even more like Superman.

               But Superman was not Supernatural.  This guy that I am fighting is more like the Wolfman.  He is more like Dracula.  He made a deal with the Devil.  Or a deal with Evel Knievel.  He has claws.  He has teeth.   And he’s not afraid to use them.  I do have another trick up my sleeve.  But that really is another pill down my throat.  I will take Vitamin D.  Vitamin D absorbs calcium.  Come after me now Dracula.  I am not necking with you.  Come on Wolfman.  You think you can nail it.  You are mistaken.  With my Vitamin D my skin absorbs calcium.  Your sharp jagged teeth just vanish.  You can’t even put them under your pillow overnight for the tooth fairy.  And, doggone it, your canines are gone.

                     A lot of our fate is hinging on me.  I don’t want to just squeak by.  You know that old saying, when one door closes another opens.  Before I got on the scene it looked like a shutout.  Now I am the batter that is up and I want to hit it out of the park.  I want to take my swing.  But I don’t want to creak.  Following orders, not odors, I take my Vitamin E.  It is an anti-oxidant.  The Japanese or the Americans have nothing to do with this.  This is not Anti Occidental or Anti Oriental, This is Anti-Oxidant.  Oxidant is rust.  I may have been idle for a while.  This is helping me get the rust out.  I can’t be idle right now but I would not mind being your Idol.

               I think I got a good handle on this matter.  I can feel the pulse of the nation.  We were all seeing red for a while.  He is gone.  We are safe.  It is time to calm down.  I know someone ripped your heart out.  I say “Heal” or is that “Heel.”  I say something.  I say “It will be Okay.  Everything will be Okay.”  And I think, Okay, Okay, I know what we need.  I know what I need.  Oh, I need Vitamin K.  Vitamin K helps blood clotting.  All you bleeding heart liberals, all you very vain trombonesers.

               Then I heard someone calling “Nein!  Nein!   Nein!”  And I realized that Oh K, there are Nine of you.  Now, instead of just my regular Vitamin K this calls for K-Nine.      

Sunday, September 30, 2018

Extra Sensory Perceptive


               I’m fighting the static.
               I’m fighting myself.
               My eyes cannot see.  I am only deceived, I cannot perceive. 
               My ears are bombarded with artificial echoes.  The words are made up.  They are controlled, commanded, not communicated.      

               The freezing of the water stream awash the back side of my hand.  It is stronger than the iceberg and it is boiling.  That shows how much sense I make from my own senses.

               The tickle, the laugh, that feathering itch on my arm as when a tic attached its presence, it is the self-proclaimed same.  The same as a mosquito bite, a pimple, a goiter, an escalating cancerous non controlled lump.  My skin hosts the push, that slight, microscopic dome, those itchings of my dear and dying outside dermal layers, reddened, chafed prominent from the other many hair sprouted layers. 

               At first unnoticed, then a smirk, an unrealized jab, but not quite, distracting where my wrist watch used to ride.  There was a day when I wore a wrist watch.  There was a day when I knew what a wrist watch was.  There was a day when I needed a wrist watch, or at least, used it.  To my mind it is a slight laugh, a tickle, an unnoticed is growing now into a warmth.  That warmth on my arm, no, that warmth is my arm.  Its reddening then hardens and is sharp.  It is commanding concentric pain.  Some a sharp jab.  Some a steady, maturing to a more than annoying hurt.  It is now a dull throbbing with its aura of ache.

               A deadened arm, conveying a growth that over takes my body.  That dream of a mold in the river woods floor, inching that tree and those bees, along with the dead frog and the brown to greying oak, with emptying branches not hiding what is standing three feet away.  It opines most loudly, shouting “Mine is not yours!”  That brightness on my idle self is assured and absorbed in my regret. 

               I close my eyes and etched into my persistent grey brown bloodstained background, I think of a retina when I choose to think, is that force for braggart stance of someone who knows he is greater than me.

               I am deluding senses, senses that are feelings.  I thought I knew my true feelings and they are not what I am told to feel.  I keep a sense of self and hope it is not senseless.  I see around me.  I acknowledge not artificial unsound sounds.  Together optics tells you that I stand by my words.  Your words are besides you.  I have found your words disgusting.  To start your march I hear you command “Sound Off!”  A needed reaction, the world turns your sound off.

                              The sun tells me that I am here.  I feel it soothing, caressing me.  I feel it as a palm across my right arm and another holding hand across my left.  That square of heat, more than heat, is expressing.  It changes, it smiles the right side of my face.  I open my eyes and view that there are dimensions.  Sure as time is, I see some red, some blue, a few puffs of violet (almost cloud like), what was a glance, a flash, is now a prism.

               What once was offered to me had no depth.  That sun structured existence in my place.  An interpretation was finally displayed to my eyes.  Happily, I do not have that illusion, that would have been nothing.

               This being boxed in, it is done.  I do not have it.  I now have life.  Life has me.  I cannot both have and be possessed.  Can you?  What are you?  Is there anyone other than me?  Where is my cage?  Where are the lies that cross my eyes?  Are wants real?  Are hopes real?  I wish for you.  I wish you are real.  I do not sweat alone.

Thursday, September 27, 2018

Force Defines Reality


               In school I was instructed that Force equals Mass times Acceleration.  The way we perceive, things that exist are made up from many components.  Those components do not really exist.  They are brought into existence through various (sometimes mathematical) equations.  Try to think of it, a chemical equation is a mathematical equation.  Two atoms of Hydrogen (H2) plus one atom of Oxygen (O) equals Water (H2 O).  So, you have all those free, unreal since they did not join the existing world yet of Hydrogen Ions along with swamps and puffs and imaginary ideas of Oxygen Ions wanting something, anything to make them real.  They rush around each other and there are some attractions there.  Charges which are artificially described as electrons are negatively looking for something positive, something that will draw them in. Something is on the move.  The electrons of the Oxygen pull at that Hydrogen to make the Water complete.  Think about Electrons, the fact that some call them Photons might come to Light, or vice versa, light comes from them. 

               In that miasma of not yet existence you have all these mathematics that want to be done.  H2 plus O, but watch that attraction and pulsation.  Everything has an angle when it finally exists.  That Water is no different.  It is a gaseous crystal, one big center and two small legs with an obtuse angle between them.  The Hydrogen pushes against its brother but wants to be close to the Oxygen.  All those water elements meet reality and push against each other.  A cloud of mathematics, a stream from the equation these gatherings gravity down and lose energy by the cold real world.  When you get something solid you get a solid dichotomy.  Steam floats above water but Ice, made from the same basic building blocks floats on water.  It is more dense.  It is firm.  But everyone has their own angles and the angles in ice means that it can’t get close to itself.  We need to be flexible to get close.  That obtuse angle commands.  Ice floats on liquid water, you cannot escape that.  Gee, are there any other things in this world that need thought to be understood instead of being proclaimed a Magical Mystery so that the mindless masses follow what a snake oil salesman says.  Unfortunately, they usually do buy his snake oil, it’s easier than thinking and you can always blame him for your mistakes.  And water is not the only reality, there is HsSO4, NiO2, CO2 and a whole host of others.  You cannot claim that some are good and some are bad.  They are reality.  The ‘good’ and the ‘bad’ definitions come from how we use them, react to them, control them, and especially co-exist with them.  The real world, huh?

               So, in my mathematical environment my only reality is made up of Mass times Acceleration.  My reality is Force.  At first, I thought a specific, single Force is one Mass times one Acceleration.  But what if part of me goes faster than the rest of me?  What if I am a cloud and my upper layer shoots while my lower lever dawdles and my confused middle skips here and there?  What if my eyesight had slowed down, my mind is travelling at two thirds the speed of light, and my heart is losing the race at a deteriorating rate of five miles per hour? 

               A block of gypsum does not have those emotional problems.  If most of that block obtained the lowest escape velocity what does he care about that slice of him that fell off, fractured, grounded out at nine point five centimeters squared?  He’s a lucky guy.  He just doubled his effect on the monopole properties of this universe. Lucky guy.  Two thirds of him asymptotes off towards (by current calculations) Mars in five years four months six days and thirty-two divided by one hundred hours.  He became a Force that is Enforced and his legacy splattered into that pond called “Lake Superior.”  Dusted and burnt and ready to be refined into some paint, Pink Dalilah I believe, that a whole family of human beings will make happy their latest addition, three-year-old Suzy’s bedroom.  His life was solid.  Now he is two solids.  But as for me, I am a gas and aghast.

               I’m struggling with my inner forces.  I am not me.  I am multiple in both the kinetic and potential side of existence.  How can I say that I am me?  My mood is cloudy and so is my inner being.  My many vectored personalities coagulate into a common gust, a heavy cloud without much cohesion.  The inner me shoots off in many, unrelated directions.  The most forceful more than ever glowed the cinders of a tectonic rift.  My past marooned, carrying the dispersal of life from that parceled one micro percent of my scent which carries to the building of the Smokey Mountains back when they were mightier than the Rockies.  Blushed is the shame I elevated in this erosion.

               People, human people, think they can force me to power their Cadillacs.  If you are that deceived, I warn you.  You are unable to even begin to understand the numerics of the Forces I am capable of.  Sanders and Theresa are now stuck in my world where they definitely do not fit in.  I am free from their tariffs.  You, the guy I’ve been talking to!  Are you Animal, Mineral, or Vegetable?  I tell you, change your valence by positive one point zero three four and don’t you ask the numeric system.  Symbiotes, like parasites, get water.  How much calcite?  You might well ask.  I’d call it Avogadro’s number of Flourite. Yeah, a hole mole, as in molecular stability.  Now Sanders, is Theresa your wife?  Who would your baby kill?  Next, I want you to use the term ‘Bone Spur’ in a sentence.  Now use that sentence while you are evading your responsibilities.