Imitate, Immediate, In Pyrite

 

I told Ted, “My parents just told me that we are going to Secondary School.  All my life, all my lives, I’ve only been going here.  I am not impute or immute.  I am not in a minute.  This is not my second.  And I’ve been here for several years.  Not for just a second.  I don’t want to succumb.”

Ted answered, “Wait!  Weight!  We are in Elementary School.”

That caused me to ask him, “And what Element is that?   Hydrogen is pretty small.  I have no Nickles.  I may be humorous at times but I am no Helium.  This place is pretty big.  I think it is an Elephantry School.  And it is definitely not very pretty here.  See her?  She is not pretty.”

Ted said, “When we were getting friendly at recess, I called her ‘Pretty.’”

I said, “I heard you.  I know you got cut off in your sentence.  You were calling her, ‘Pretty Ugly.’”

Ted changed the subject, “Remember when last year’s teacher told us ‘The Syllabus Expands’?”

I answered, “What she was talking about  was that we are getting more in our classrooms.  She told us that ‘This Silly Bus is going to Expand.’”

Then that kid that sits in back of me said, “I gotta told you that that Mind of yours is in your head.  In your head is the same as On your head.  You  must start going to Brade School.”

I turned around and told him that, “For every chicken bird turd, in every season herd weird, I will wear my umbrella to cover my head.“

That got me thinking.  Was I speaking in Pig Latin or was I just making a Pig Gladden?  I sure feel that I am one of those Big Nosed Pig Boys.  I keep getting Big Nos from everyone, all the time. My life sure keeps going from gags to witches, not rags to riches.  Like right now.  I’m in sixth grade.  I just had Geography Class.  That teacher had me stand up at the black board and asked me, “What would America do if it had to split up into individual nations?”  I said, “There soon will be five of them.  Michigan Nation…Eerie Nation…Huron Nation….Superior Nation…Ontario Nation.”

One of the other kids raised his hand and said, “You sure claim to be in the Superior Nation.  You are really in an Eerie Nation.  You put the rest of us in the Huron Nation.”

Then the kid sitting next to him said, “He named them for these Five Great Lakes.  And you keep claiming you have Five Senses.  You should be happy in any of your Five Senseless Nations.  And No.  Sniff.  Sniff.  You are definitely not in a Scentless Nation.  You can’t even afford to be in a Five Cent Nation.”

I pointed to him and told the class, “He’s Larry.”  Then I pointed to the teacher and said, “He’s Curly.”  And I told everyone, “I’m Moe.”

At that moment the recess bell rang.  We all ran out to the playground.  One of the girls from my class was telling her older sister, “…Icky Sneezy, Selfish and Sneaky.  That Tyrant got a lot more bleak.  He then went on to give us a moth ball speech.”

Her sister asked, “Is he a fiendish Tyrant?”

And Lisa, from my class, pointed to me and said, “Just look at his face. His nose has a Ferret Tooth.  Listen to how he speaks. His voice has a Parrot Tune.  He sure shows a lot of Rat Holes.  We call him ‘Nosferatu.’”

Lisa’s sister then asked, “Does he use us Mortals to Wrestle?  Or is he just More Tar to Pester?”  

Lisa then sang,

               “Weirds sure are off their rocks

  Like Birds who want to have flocks

  And planets just want to have suns

  Plants too just want to have suns.”

 

               Then I told Ted, “I’ve got to Meet Paper.”

               Ted asked, “Where?  Under Your Pants?”

               I said, “I am not Wearing any Under Pants.”

               Ted then said, “Do you think this is a Toilet?  You haven’t Told Me Yet.”

               I replied, “Butt Crack.”

               Ted then looked at the sheets, “That’s sure funny.  Look at those Marks Bothers.”

               I said, “We still haven’t come to the time when The Three Stooges meet the Three Stupids.”

 

               And then it happened.

               Time did not stand still.

               Time was drinking from a still.

               Time flew forward.

               We sure got a lot of flue.

 

               We endured.

               I got even more endured.

               I grew up.

               We grew up.

               And we all grew into stuff much worse.

 

               Adult Ted now said, “Moe Howard.  Larry Fine.  And Shemp Howard meet Don Senior, Don Junior, and Jared Kushner.”

               I agreed, “It’s sure become Rouge and Hardly.”

 

               That was when my fellow workers, livers, and linkers began to sing:

 

With his lies

We are being leaded by a stump

Democracy’s good by

It was bought by Donald Trump

King Rump

Frumpy Trump

 

He should be in the slammy

He loves his daughter’s jammies

 

When our folks went a voting,

We never thought we'd see

A president so loathing

As this criminal thing

King Rump

Frumpy Trump

 

Business owners lied

To take over every thing

Putin sent his spies

To make our lives stink

King Rump

Frumpy Trump

 

               And Ted told me, “We are now being run by ‘MANLGA.’”

               I asked him, “’MANLGA’ what’s that?”

               And he answered:

              

                              Make

American

Nazis

Let

Go

Again

 

               Then I sang,      “Oh, he's a right winger felon

With his mind, he thinks like a melon

For Putin he does all his Selling

He’s such a folly we can’t rely.”

 

Think about those Republicans.  This guy is not their leader.  He is not a leader of any sort.  But he is the latest parade balloon rallying this group of selfish bullies.  

                                      If you liked reading this                                                                                                                                You should try reading some of THESE

 

 

 

 

Icy Die See On The Stellar Bus

 

Honeymooners in Space

Universe 13, Planet 38

38th Chapter of the Stellar Bus

 

 

 

               Ralph talked over the hand held speaker, “You are welcomed onto the Space Bus.  This Space Bus!  We Came here and We feel you are Well, so you are WelComed.  Or is that WelConed?  Whatever.  Where we have landed is made of Ice and Dust and Rocky Debris.  You may have been formed by your solar system’s creation several billion years ago.  I was informed.  Do you even know what  a year is?  A year on Earth, my Earth, is 365 days.  A year on Venus is 225 days.  A year on Pluto is 248 days.  But then you might ask, ‘What is a day?’ 

               “Well, a day on Pluto is 153 hours long.  That’s my hours.  Which might not be ‘Ours.’  A day on Saturn is 10 hours, 33 minutes, and 38 seconds long.  You claim you are so classy.  To me you are Seconds Class.  Boy, that Saturn Turns fast, even when it is Sitting down.  A day on Mars is 24 hours, 37 minutes, and 22 seconds long.  Daisy Shmazy.

               “After you are wonderfully entered into my Space Bus, you will enlighten yourselves to your seats and/or sleeping rooms.  I know life is full of Romance, and, thanks to my working pal, Ed, I like to believe that he has removed your Room Ants.  After a period of three thousand and fifty six nano seconds you will, would, or could be departing onto the Soho Solar Ice Rink at the Vehinicimo Star Cluster’s Seventh Station.  Ed told me that it sure takes a lot of work to be my pal.

               “Have a good ride as my vehicular’s group of Omnibus Diverter operators who work for the United Field Hyperbolics fleet of mass transportational devices, which includes me, Ralph Kramden, no I am not crammed in, and Edward Norton, not he is not a jailor’s Ward’s North Son, my wife, Alice, no she is not a lice, and she claims she does not lie, then there is Ed’s wife, Trixie, and yes, she is very Tricky.  I would watch out for her, if I had the time, so I guess that is where my watch left.

               “Welcome aboard.”  

               Those Aged Ice citizens made it up the moving step machine to their seats and rooms on Ralph Kramden’s bus.  There was Icy Moon followed with his uncle, Ganymede Jupiter.  Kuiper Belt boarded next.  He’s the Do Things Nutty guy that left Neptune’s orbit and claimed his home was both Pluto and Arrokoth.  Ed Norton shouted about him, “It’s not Pluto!  It’s Goofy!  And so is he!”

               Cuddled in their refrigious formations entered Ice Grains,   Interstellar Meditators, a bunch of  Negative Forty Two Degrees foreignheights and someone’s buddy with the same first name, Negative.  Negative is  his family name.  Him and two hundred and sixty three degrees of Celsius followers.

               Alice spoke into the ear of Ralph while pointing to the loading aisle, “These Temples of Ice sure have their Religions of 10 Ks.  I see, not Icy, many who believe that their  Molecules allow collisions with grains, reigns, and other brains, all claiming to form their books, their  Uni Verses, which, not witch, claim various abundances of nitrites, ketones and one’s Aunt Ester called out ‘You Carbonyl Sulfide!  You!’”

               Trixie then added, “I heard that their composition of Ice definitely does act like many samples of ice materials we had on Earth.  When Earth still existed.  Earth is what we exited.  I wish Earth was what we excited.”

               Ralph Kramden counted out loud, two thousand customers, and shouted,  “Alice! That's big, big, big! This is probably the biggest number that ever got into us!”

Alice replied,  “The biggest thing you ever got into was your pants.”

Ralph then said to Ed,  “We start out at  200 degrees Celsius.  We were made to go down 2000.  And we don’t have to spend gas to heat up 1800. We can't lose.”

Ed laughed and replied,  “Can't lose, huh? That's what you said when you bought the parking lot next to where cosmic debris was building up.  You thought that was building an  International Space Station there. You said, ‘People going to the Moonies have got to have a place to park their Carbonates.’"

Ralph growled,  “How did I know they were building a dried ice eater?”

That’s when Ralph declared, “If any of the Space Moon colonies ever get thick, it'll be my responsibility to go and visit them.”

Alice smirked and said, “Oh, that is a very important responsibility, Ralph. You better start now and find out what the viewing Aurora Borealis  are at Bellevue.  You sure are Boring This Alice.”

Ralph shouted, “That did it, Alice - You did it. You have just broken this space capsule's back with that straw. You have ridiculed my bothered Moons. You have just made fun of something very big that's close to my heart.”

Alice falsely whispered, “The only thing big that's as big as you claim as your heart is your stomach.”

Ralph went on, “I have - I've got an exploration.  A perfect cone. I'm a space dome. Not a Sun-of-the-Earth dome.  Call me the solar system’s champ. I sure am a solar system’s cramp.  For years I've been talking for granted the most wonderful thing that has ever orbited me - you. I've never shown you the appreciation you deserve, Alice. You could walk outta that door right now and I wouldn't blame you. You deserve something better than me. There are a million guys who'd give you anything if they could have a girl like you.”

Alice then said, “Ralph, I don't want to walk out a million miles out into space. There's just one guy I want to walk out of that space ship door there.   You.”

Ralph smiled, “Baby, you're the greatest.”

Ralph then said to Ed, “You know, when I caught this Saturn Ring, the light told me it's all handmade, you know. It's 2,000 matches meteorited together.”

Ed snorted, “Oh.”

Ralph continued, “Look at that Spark. And he said it was made from a Cross the Ganymede.  In its large salt water ocean. You know, I thought he was kidding me, but right in my mind, it says, ‘Made in Japan’.”

Ed looked at him and asked, “Made in Japan or Maiden Spam?”

Ralph said, “ I'm telling you, this is something!  That girl would not go out and buy for herself.”

Ed erupted, “You can say that again. And another thing about this, the telescopes sold me with this only one of these in the whole bunch of universes.   That one without time.   This was in the Oort Cloud of the Emperor of Jovian. It was smuggled into this Heliosphere.”

Trixie then laughed, “You, Edward L. Norton, Ranger Third Class in the Captain Video Ranger Academy, do solemnly asteroid edge to the transorbital  Zombies and Sabians, to be kind to distant minor planets and old ladies in and out in space, do not to tease my little bothers and slithers and to brusk your sublunar twice a day and drink neutrinos after every dwarf galaxy.”

Which caused Ed to say to Ralph, “Well, let's face it, Ralph. You're not the easiest nebular in the world to gravitate for, you know? It's pretty tough to get a guy perihelion that, well, a guy that's got itokawa.”

Alice then interrupted, “Ralph’s fellow bus driver, Philae, revealed that the presence of large amount of water ice on the comet 67P/Churyumov–Gerasimenko.  He stated that ‘The weight lifting strength of the Ice Founder Layer had dusted off his first landing site.’” 

Ralph was surprisingly high.  Alice ended with “Oh, I don't know, Ralph. I've been thinking of giving you something!  Some people call it, Optical Technology.  They think it is set to transform communication from Earth orbit and beyond, although problems on the ground still need ironing out.  What it really is is a Space Laser.  And you may get it real soon!”

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Look, Covered With Flies! It's A Weird! It's Pretty Lame! It's Flooper Men!

 

               I was walking home from work when, all of the sudden their burst upon the sidewalk in front of me a giant five point star that looked like cement but it gleamed.  Most days, and most hours of most days, I am cleaning tables of poorly eaten food, gathering slimed dishes, and scrubbing down knives and forks in the back room where people cannot see and think there is a dish washing machine.  I put soap on my daily circumference when I cannot get the dirt and saliva off with the buckets of reused water and annoying hand again hand again towels.  I can’t refuse if it is refused water.

               As if it wasn’t enough for me, today, cleaning all that dog food and rat trap lures from those people that ate at the restaurant that hates dishware, and now I have an outdoor attack which means I have to act like I am saving other people, which is the opposite of what my workplace owner wants us to do over eight hours each day that we get paid our minimum wages for.

               Once again, and I sure am sick of it, I need to tell myself that since I have super powers, I have super responsibilities.  I go right ahead and toss a bunch of kids off the sidewalk in front of me.  Then I look around and push over some cars streaming down the roadway to my side.  A house here and a house there I push until they crumble so that intruding Celestial Copy Cat doesn’t accomplish what it wants to do.

               I started singing to myself:

                                             Nothing Man

                                             Nothing Man

                                             Does Whatever Those No Thinks Can

              

               And then a group going homers came up to me and thanked me for acting like I saved their lives.  I heard them shout: “He is our Local Hero!”  “Local?  Local!  Locust!  He is an All Over National Hero!”  “Look at him!   He is our World Wide Hero!”  “A Weird Wide Hero?”   “He sure does look Wide from eating all those Hero Sandwiches!”

               And talk about my super responsibilities.  And I don’t know how this is even possible considering where I was just working at and what I was doing right before I put my super human’s costume on and acted like I was saving everyone. What they said sure made me hungry.  This became my supper responsibility.  I had to open my mouth.  I yelled at them: “Remember, if you have Spider powers you have Spider Responsibilities.  I am responsible to put flies on your webs and make certain you don’t sweep those webs away!”

               And all of the sudden, I got helped.  Standing as big and bloated as I am, there was this other guy, staring into my face and trying to look like he did something. He told me: “All these peoples’  lives sure seem Basic.  Is your life Basic?  Does that mean you am Anti Acid?  You should know. You act like you have a Phd.  My PH must be a lot lower than yours.  And since I’m a guy,  I can’t be your Aunty Acid.  Call me Alki Lime.  Boy, you sure bug people!  So maybe You should be called Ant Acid.  Coal me what I am, I am an Anthracite.  This sure is becoming Anthropomorphic of me.”

               And that caused me to tell him:  “Hey, remember when you told me you were the Flash.  I could tell you had a small Flash of responsibilities.  You being responsible Flashed Away right away.  You are always so used to being Flushing.  You want us all  to get flushed away.”

               That is when the Bloat Man said, “You are only telling me this because I was Red and you are so new at this that you sure feel Green.  Those actions are part of your opposite to me Green responsibilities.”

               I yelled back, “You seem so new at this that you are the one that is Green!  But you also have all these Greed responsibilities. You are Mean Greed, you are not a Greek you Freak.”

               He then said, “I am not the Bloated Man.  I’m more like the Batman.  Or, at least, the Bath Math!  Add It Up!  You keep on relying on me to protect you from Robbers.  You seem really like the Fat Man who eats away at all of us.  Whether we are good or bad.  We must taste good to you!”

               I replied, “I want people to think I am protecting them.  I’m protecting them from you!  They think you are the one who wants to kill them.  The one who kills them with his kith and kin.  You tried to make your knife go right through my kilt and skin.  Whatever happened, I now say that I am K.  Does that mean to me that you are OK?  Oh!  No Way!”

               Bloat Man then warned me, “I did not come here to fight you.  It was that thing that broke up out of the ground.  It scared all of us when it tried to scar all of us.  And those scars are sure not cigars!”

               I agreed, “You’re right

We’re off to flee that Mummy

That Horrible Mummy in Gauze

He’s a weirdo, he is, he is

He wants to strangle us with his claws.”

 

Bloat then said, “He sure is a rock.  And I don’t like this Rock that Roles.”

               I yelled, “Rock!  That is Geological or Gee!  To me this stuff is Ill Logical!

Bloat responded, “He sure ain’t Neurologic.  I think he has some New Lodge Ick!”

I then warned Bloat, “Be careful, so your heart don’t clog.  He’ll just eat you like a lizard.  You’ll be in a stomach full lizard and think you’re on a log.  And that log barks at you like a dog.  Your brain is in a fog.  Mine is in a frog.”

               Bloat Man then asked, “Do you think you are being Effervescent, cause you sure cause me to ask ‘What’s My Pet’s Scent or What My Vet Sent or What Made My Vest Dent?’”

               I got disgusted and yelled, “Can’t you hear me?  How is your acoustics?  Put down that Cue Stick!  Are you sick? And you just accuse me!”

               Well, people, a hero is what a hero does.  And their ain’t no heroes if there is nobody for them to be heroes around, so just sing to yourselves, this song, inspired by ‘Seltzer Boy’ by Allan Sherman back in 1962:

 

                              Altar Boy, give me some alters

If you don’t totally falter

You’ll be up on Gibraltar

And You’ll Sure Be A Gnu

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Bright and Bark for another Year

 

And there was The Dog, digging up a buried battery in the King’s back yard.  He  bit into the plastic cardboard backing that held the vinegarized  quartz sand surrounder of that inner leaf burnt and crushed hard inner standing rod which had topped with one copper heading witch could temporarily connect to the wire intrusing into those surrendered acidic sands in order to attempt to pass enjailed electrons from that battery  to any kid’s toys.  The electrons that swum in the Ph’d engulfed quartzite chips included a related photon.  And that photon was The Photon.  The Dog was happy about that.  He was EnLightened.

The Photon, happily, said, “Earth is Earth and Dirt is Dirt and under your feet you cannot tell the difference.  So, if we are on Mars or Proxima, or even a Goldilox Exoplanet, how can we care what the thing we think we are temporarily living on is called?  If you are living, you are living.  If you are not living, how can you care?  I don’t care and I don’t have the difference of living and not living.  You are here and you are there and never the sane shall think.”

And all of the sudden this other guy shoved hard and tried a lot to come up with his own dog breed.  His son thought he taught the dogs to speak.  It looked like the dogs followed orders.  The guy that bred the dogs was named Charles, Charles Chaplin.

The Photon began  looking for the children and since they don’t talk The Photon had to follow the sounds of silence.  The Dog then made some mistakes. At one point there were these filters and old stogies they had found. So, they must have been sniffing out some Butts.

The Photon shouted, “No!  Wait!  Was it that we were trying to Find the Children.  Maybe the word should have been ‘Fine.’”

The Dog barked, “Yeah.  ‘Larry Fine.’  That means I should use my ‘Lariat.’” 

The Photon went on, “Like with these new Stooges we had found. 

            Short and they sure bit around.”

               The Dog arg greed, “They have fleas like my fleas.”

               The Photon continued, “And they stunk up your nose.”  

The Dog then disagreed, “No!  No!  He’s a Curly Que Link.”           

And The Photon said, “So you are telling me He’s the bother of Moe.” 

That’s when The Dog realized, his full name was Jerome Lester Horwitz.  Lester.  Les.  Like The Dog said before, “There is Les Silence there.”

Then the both of them got kid napped by some guy no one listens to.  They don’t hear and they don’t speak.  It was a natural theft.

The Photon barked, “Dog Nab It!  Oh No!   We’ve been Dog Nabbed!”

The Dog replied, “Let’s not take that vow of silence.  We need a bow wow of silence.  That will get insidious.”

The Photon patted him and calmly stated, “Doggie dear, dogged Deer.  A Blind man’s bluff.  A Seeing Eye Dog.  They are the certain types and they cannot hear.  What was their reaction to the Dog Whistle.  They claim they are dogs but they were just acting.  They could not really hear it.  They saw that someone blew it.  And it ain’t just one person who has blown his life.

And they’ll howl if they thought that person was blowing a whistle that really made no sound but there were their dog howls and other dogs would hear their howls and join  in.”

Then Dog Growled and said, “Their responsibility to breath and exist opposes our recycling of atomic radiation that attracted all those sonar bursts.  That’s why their bosses told them that we do not know how to exhibit.  To get along.  And Photon, I silently agreed because it was against all of my beliefs.  I felt the need to work.  I feel that we all need to work.  So, let’s go along.

               “On our way, we’ll get on a space shuttle that had landed on a large meteor who was made up of  thorium, uranium, and potassium. That meteor’s inner circle is magmatic and the outer cycle has hardened and temperature cooled with attractive oxygens and nitrogens.

               “We can then start going where our comrades had not gone before.  I want to meet silicon men and electrical creatures who don’t, can’t, and won’t even define men and women  They do have about thirteen different types that can connect and unconnect and attract and repel. So, repulsion gathers new lives of their specific kind with their thirteen sexual identities including skin, no skin, gas, radiation and rock surfaces which, among other things, define their racism.  Their racists will invite us, first as a meal, then for a meal, then in their formula for intense of defense.  Photon, they’ll tell you,  ‘You’ll kill me. We’ll talk to you, that is if you are our lag log logged in your logical camp fire.  You airmost pest requiring a neighbor’s neolithic neurological metamorphism.  Never logical verses Neutral Logical defining while defying my deafening definition.’”

The Photon said, “Will this happen while I am at my computer executing RPGRPG.  Am I supposed to be playing as a Report Program Generator in a Role Playing Game?  Or should I be killing Role Playing Games running a Program that started out being used to Generate Reports?”

The Dog then asked, “Would  that have been a neighbor or was it someone’s  foot coming up to your stool?  You don’t know.  I don’t know.  But do we  have to open the door or clean that stool later?   How could I know?  How can you know?  We know nothing!”

That’s when the Nutracides and Cosmetic Industries were happy that their bioreactor increased metabolites.  Metabolite for me and scalability for you.  Your owner will say he wants to end the war!  Think about it!  How much money will he make if and when we do end it? 

These two are some deranged visitors from some under planned life who stay on earth with owers and disabilities far beyond those of moral men. Stooperman, who can charge the cost of mighty givers.  Offend people with their hair brains.

But they really need Anti Violence.  The saying really is “The hear of the dog that bit you.”

And they are in a group that does not like fish.  They can’t stand the smell and taste.  They were afraid that some Quack Doctor offered to take away those Dogs’ Herrings – he really offered to take away their hearing.

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